Today was a good day.
I felt a little anxious over the past week. Didn't sleep a lot last night - waking up pretty consistently with a little worry on my mind. Finally when I do wake up for good at around 5am. I see a text message from Sarah telling me she was home (at 2am) and that she didn't tell us she was driving late so we wouldn't worry about her. I also see the power is out. With no sound or light, I guess my for good wake up time was not 5am but closer to 6:30!!!
I needed to be at the hospital at 7:30am. Woke up late, jumped in the shower and used the only hot water left, said hello to Sarah, heading out to St. Francis Hospital and get stuck in Arlington HS traffic for 20 minutes!! We ended up that much late - but to my surprise behind the desk waiting for me was our friend Bonnie! I was so happy to see someone I knew I forgot about my anxiety of the surgery and being late. It was just what my day needed - a turn around.
At that point, I was moving. I went into the prep area where I got to wear a fabulous gown with my butt hanging out. Compression 'socks' that expand and contract to massage your legs really do feel nice! Then more of the usual - blood pressure, pulse, temp and, my favorite, an iv line. The only thing they put in the iv line in the prep room was saline and pepcid for nausea. I had already taken a eMend first thing for nausea too. That part being done, I was just waiting for Dr. Sepulveda to come see me and the anesthesiologist Dr. Rau.
Dr. S came in and we discussed the size selection that we changed to on Monday. Bob had a concern about a warning he read for 'larger' implants. This didn't ultimately become the reason why we selected the smaller implants, but it did cause us to talk about it. The saline temporary expanders were filled with 450 cc. The intention was to go down to 425cc when we switched them to the silicon. But we ended up with 400cc to allow for more movement. The right breast had shrunk considerably due to the radiation and it was pretty tight and uncomfortable with 450cc in it. So we chose a smaller implant to allow for space to move and hopefully soften up a bit.
The doctor was also going to make a few incisions to try to loosen it a little. I honestly don't know if he did that since they put a bra on me and I haven't looked yet!!! 2 days - leave the bra on... I'll find out tomorrow!
They took me in to the O.R. at 9:30am. I think it was about a 2 hour procedure. The anesthesiologist was a very sweet man and the nurse was holding my hand as I dropped of to sleep. I woke up in recovery a little groggy as expected. Once I was able, they moved me to another location, helped me put my clothes on and sat me in a recliner. Bob and Sarah came in all smiles and happy to see me - as I was happy and relieved to see them too! I asked for my phone and did my best to text Alex and the others who asked me to let them know I was done while drinking the needed coffee and talking to the nurse.... technology geek, yup.
We left the hospital at 1pm and headed to Table Talk for breakfast for me. That's how good I felt! We ate and talked and finally left so I could nap a little at home. Not feeling hardly any pain, I didn't take any meds but slept for a few hours before the throw-together dinner that Sarah made and it was delicious!! We talked and laughed and had a good time - all very normal!!!
Right now - I feel good. They are softer, smaller and a little sore but nothing to speak of. I get tired from time to time in waves from the anesthesia but no big deal. I think I can say that the silicone implants beat out the saline hands down!!!
Showing posts with label Breast Cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Breast Cancer. Show all posts
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Giving thanks
It's Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend. It really was quite an eventful few days starting with Sarah coming in Wednesday and ending with Sarah flying home this afternoon.
In between we saw a local community play, celebrated Thanksmas with my side of the family, hung out at Karma, showed our apartment in Newburgh and cleaned the house. I don't take part in any Black Friday activities, so I saved my shopping for this week. Even without hitting a store, we had plenty of things to do and it was jammed with fun.
Most notably this week was Thanksgiving Day, of course. In our family, we are traditionally guests of other people's TG spread. Over the past few years, we've traveled to Dawn and Sean's for an early dinner and then moved to Patti and Stuart's for dinner later in the evening.
This year was a little different... Dawn and Sean had quite the eventful few months themselves. They were hit by the flooding from hurricane Irene and lost their home back in September. Coincidentally, they had already been looking at a new home and quickly closed on it and moved in. Happily, we sat in there new dining room eating the turkey Dawn cooked in her beautiful new kitchen!!! A true reason to be thankful.
As I sat and ate next to my sister, I mentioned missing Mom this week. This was the first holiday without her. I saw a picture of her with my nephew Ben during the week and the emotions just flowed out of me. I remembered picking her up and traveling through the county to get there for dinner and talking about anything and everything. While it wasn't easy the last few years, she was still Mom - all laughs and love. We missed her as we talked about the rutabaga Donna couldn't cook this year.
My memories of last year flooded in a few times too. I sat there eating and remembering what it was like last year. Last year, I walked in knowing that I had breast cancer. We didn't tell anyone and we tried to act normally. I think we were successful although it felt like we walked with a cloud over our head and everyone could see it. Either way, it was a very strange feeling.
This year was entirely different. We sat around the new table at the Ackerman's and ate and talked and laughed. Reminisced of years past and were grateful for where we were today.
We moved on that day to Patti's. Again, no one knew. The four of us sat at a table in the back with just a few others. It's like we were holding each other up because we were the only ones that knew our secret. Bob shared with Patti that day. Her mother-in-law Deena noticed our different behavior and asking about it. This year I talked about my year and my journey to the family and friends that were there. I was grateful that it was just part of my past now.
That night we drove home - me, Bob and Sarah. Last year, Alex was going to celebrate Thanksgiving with Melissa's family but at the last minute because of the diagnosis, he changed his plans to be home with us. This year, he made it the Clark's for the holiday - as much as I missed him, I'm thankful he was able to keep his plans.
Life has gone on... I'm thankful for the gift of life.
In between we saw a local community play, celebrated Thanksmas with my side of the family, hung out at Karma, showed our apartment in Newburgh and cleaned the house. I don't take part in any Black Friday activities, so I saved my shopping for this week. Even without hitting a store, we had plenty of things to do and it was jammed with fun.
Most notably this week was Thanksgiving Day, of course. In our family, we are traditionally guests of other people's TG spread. Over the past few years, we've traveled to Dawn and Sean's for an early dinner and then moved to Patti and Stuart's for dinner later in the evening.
This year was a little different... Dawn and Sean had quite the eventful few months themselves. They were hit by the flooding from hurricane Irene and lost their home back in September. Coincidentally, they had already been looking at a new home and quickly closed on it and moved in. Happily, we sat in there new dining room eating the turkey Dawn cooked in her beautiful new kitchen!!! A true reason to be thankful.
As I sat and ate next to my sister, I mentioned missing Mom this week. This was the first holiday without her. I saw a picture of her with my nephew Ben during the week and the emotions just flowed out of me. I remembered picking her up and traveling through the county to get there for dinner and talking about anything and everything. While it wasn't easy the last few years, she was still Mom - all laughs and love. We missed her as we talked about the rutabaga Donna couldn't cook this year.
My memories of last year flooded in a few times too. I sat there eating and remembering what it was like last year. Last year, I walked in knowing that I had breast cancer. We didn't tell anyone and we tried to act normally. I think we were successful although it felt like we walked with a cloud over our head and everyone could see it. Either way, it was a very strange feeling.
This year was entirely different. We sat around the new table at the Ackerman's and ate and talked and laughed. Reminisced of years past and were grateful for where we were today.
We moved on that day to Patti's. Again, no one knew. The four of us sat at a table in the back with just a few others. It's like we were holding each other up because we were the only ones that knew our secret. Bob shared with Patti that day. Her mother-in-law Deena noticed our different behavior and asking about it. This year I talked about my year and my journey to the family and friends that were there. I was grateful that it was just part of my past now.
That night we drove home - me, Bob and Sarah. Last year, Alex was going to celebrate Thanksgiving with Melissa's family but at the last minute because of the diagnosis, he changed his plans to be home with us. This year, he made it the Clark's for the holiday - as much as I missed him, I'm thankful he was able to keep his plans.
Life has gone on... I'm thankful for the gift of life.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Fashion for a Cause - Silhouette of a Woman
It started out as a regular day at the office... it ended with stories to tell!!
I went to work that day with the intention of leaving no later than 2p. I scrambled out the door as close to it as I could. I was told to get my nails colored red and be at the salon, New Creations, at 4pm for hair and makeup.
I was the last to arrive at the salon. There were probably 6 or 7 other models waiting to get spruced up for the fashion show. It was a special feeling to be standing there in that room. As I started to chat with the other models, I realized what a special group of women I was among. The models were a mix of ages and about half were survivors. The other half were so interested in our story and compassionate to our journey that it was easy to see we found some new friends there.
New Creations... these ladies gave of their time and energy to work on this event. My hats off to Debbie, Colleen, Jennifer and Jill who really went over the top to get us ready. Poor Jill was given the task of working on my hair. While I don't have much of it, I have 2 cowlicks that have a mind of their own! But after many products, a couple of pairs of hands and a bobby pin or two, we got them tamed! Colleen used makeup to hide my flaws and enhance what I have. And don't forget the lashes!!! I may never where that much makeup in my life or fix my hair that way, but it's incredible how good it makes you feel when all the fussing over you culminates in a 'look' and the compliments are flying!!!
Once we were finished, we were to head to the Bardavon. There was a freak snow storm that night - Oct 27th, so we left with heads covered and faces sheilded to protect us from the elements. A stop or 2 on the way and we all met up in our respective dressing rooms. A group of my new friends all particitpated in a bit of Vitamin V to loosen us up. We dressed with the help of Beth and Robyn from Elizabeth's. Then we chatted and tried to stay cool in the tiny hot dressing room while the paying customers where in the lobby enjoying a beverage and the festivities in the theater.
It was finally time to take the walk. As we made our way to our starting positions, it was clear we were going to rock this show! My group was in the Shadows scene and we decided that it would be appropriate if we danced on the stage as we waited for the others to finish and end back on the stage. That was right up my alley!! I was up first and did my best model posing at center stage with a lunge and a look to each corner and of course a spin to show off the flirty skirt I was wearing. Then it was off to walk through the audience, around the lobby and back up to the stage. As we all made it to the line on the stage, we danced and laughed and held each other up! We played the 'party scene' perfectly - even made the Poughkeepsie Journal!
After the scenes were over, we split up again to join our respective businesses - Elizabeth Boutique and New Creations. I was so happy and honored to represent Beth Madsen at the event. She worked so hard putting this all together and I really wanted to make her proud of her selections. Hopefully she found a great deal of satisfaction in putting in the time and effort in creating such a wonderful event. In fact, it was obvious that she did! She simply glowed that night!
The last part of the event pulled each of the survivors out to stand in aisles of theater. Announced by name and time since diagnosis, I was honored to be among the 25 or so women in the show who took their places with their roses. When all of us were in place, the call went out to the audience for other survivors to also stand as we were all honored with applause and a song. Of course, the song was 'I'm Gonna Love You Through It' - more on that in another post.
While the song was playing, it was very emotional to look out to see Bob and Sarah, Shelly, my friends the Kram's and the Marcus's, Jackie and Marisa and anyone else I knew that came out to support this cause that has grown so dear to my heart. I hugged my family, my old and new friends and my sister-survivors as I felt an enormous sense of gratitude for what I have.
A huge thank you to those involved. It was a great experience for me and know the success of the event is a true testiment to the commitment of those who created it. Hugs and more hugs!!!
I went to work that day with the intention of leaving no later than 2p. I scrambled out the door as close to it as I could. I was told to get my nails colored red and be at the salon, New Creations, at 4pm for hair and makeup.
I was the last to arrive at the salon. There were probably 6 or 7 other models waiting to get spruced up for the fashion show. It was a special feeling to be standing there in that room. As I started to chat with the other models, I realized what a special group of women I was among. The models were a mix of ages and about half were survivors. The other half were so interested in our story and compassionate to our journey that it was easy to see we found some new friends there.
New Creations... these ladies gave of their time and energy to work on this event. My hats off to Debbie, Colleen, Jennifer and Jill who really went over the top to get us ready. Poor Jill was given the task of working on my hair. While I don't have much of it, I have 2 cowlicks that have a mind of their own! But after many products, a couple of pairs of hands and a bobby pin or two, we got them tamed! Colleen used makeup to hide my flaws and enhance what I have. And don't forget the lashes!!! I may never where that much makeup in my life or fix my hair that way, but it's incredible how good it makes you feel when all the fussing over you culminates in a 'look' and the compliments are flying!!!
Once we were finished, we were to head to the Bardavon. There was a freak snow storm that night - Oct 27th, so we left with heads covered and faces sheilded to protect us from the elements. A stop or 2 on the way and we all met up in our respective dressing rooms. A group of my new friends all particitpated in a bit of Vitamin V to loosen us up. We dressed with the help of Beth and Robyn from Elizabeth's. Then we chatted and tried to stay cool in the tiny hot dressing room while the paying customers where in the lobby enjoying a beverage and the festivities in the theater.
It was finally time to take the walk. As we made our way to our starting positions, it was clear we were going to rock this show! My group was in the Shadows scene and we decided that it would be appropriate if we danced on the stage as we waited for the others to finish and end back on the stage. That was right up my alley!! I was up first and did my best model posing at center stage with a lunge and a look to each corner and of course a spin to show off the flirty skirt I was wearing. Then it was off to walk through the audience, around the lobby and back up to the stage. As we all made it to the line on the stage, we danced and laughed and held each other up! We played the 'party scene' perfectly - even made the Poughkeepsie Journal!
After the scenes were over, we split up again to join our respective businesses - Elizabeth Boutique and New Creations. I was so happy and honored to represent Beth Madsen at the event. She worked so hard putting this all together and I really wanted to make her proud of her selections. Hopefully she found a great deal of satisfaction in putting in the time and effort in creating such a wonderful event. In fact, it was obvious that she did! She simply glowed that night!
The last part of the event pulled each of the survivors out to stand in aisles of theater. Announced by name and time since diagnosis, I was honored to be among the 25 or so women in the show who took their places with their roses. When all of us were in place, the call went out to the audience for other survivors to also stand as we were all honored with applause and a song. Of course, the song was 'I'm Gonna Love You Through It' - more on that in another post.
While the song was playing, it was very emotional to look out to see Bob and Sarah, Shelly, my friends the Kram's and the Marcus's, Jackie and Marisa and anyone else I knew that came out to support this cause that has grown so dear to my heart. I hugged my family, my old and new friends and my sister-survivors as I felt an enormous sense of gratitude for what I have.
A huge thank you to those involved. It was a great experience for me and know the success of the event is a true testiment to the commitment of those who created it. Hugs and more hugs!!!
Monday, October 24, 2011
October Dance Days
It's been a while since I submitted a post here - almost a month! After so many posts, it's hard to believe I didn't feel compelled to write something over so many days. But, it's that time of year for me... recital time. Much of my free time is spent creating and fine-tuning the assorted projects I have going on for Yanarella School of Dance.
This year's story ballet is shaping up nicely. Alice (in Wonderland) is a pretty complex story that I put together using primarly the soundtrack from the Broadway show Wonderland. Certainly NOT the Disney version! I love the score. There are so many meaningful and powerful messages in the songs that's its hard for me to believe that it closed it's Broadway run so quickly. I do feel lucky that we got to see it - me, Bob, Laura and Halley. It really inspired me to work on this story.
Year after year, I am surprised and amazed at the talent and effort that emerges. This year, we have a dedicated group of 13 dancers that comprise all the characters of story. We spend most Sundays in September, October and November learning and rehearsing over long 10 or 12 hour days. These girls give me everything they have... and we are all exhausted afterward. The effort is so worth it in the end. We all create nice memories and bonds that we share. These are important parts of our lives that shape us all - even me. Even now.
So, it's October. This time last year I was feeling some pain in my left breast at the site of a cyst that had grown. Nothing that was going to stop me from going about my day to day business. I planned on telling my doctor about it when I saw him for my annual exam. In the meantime, I would keep an eye on it.
I do feel like I've come full circle as I enter this first anniversay. I still take one day at a time... don't look too far into the future. Trying to enjoy life and appreciate what I have. And I have alot!!!
This year's story ballet is shaping up nicely. Alice (in Wonderland) is a pretty complex story that I put together using primarly the soundtrack from the Broadway show Wonderland. Certainly NOT the Disney version! I love the score. There are so many meaningful and powerful messages in the songs that's its hard for me to believe that it closed it's Broadway run so quickly. I do feel lucky that we got to see it - me, Bob, Laura and Halley. It really inspired me to work on this story.
Year after year, I am surprised and amazed at the talent and effort that emerges. This year, we have a dedicated group of 13 dancers that comprise all the characters of story. We spend most Sundays in September, October and November learning and rehearsing over long 10 or 12 hour days. These girls give me everything they have... and we are all exhausted afterward. The effort is so worth it in the end. We all create nice memories and bonds that we share. These are important parts of our lives that shape us all - even me. Even now.
So, it's October. This time last year I was feeling some pain in my left breast at the site of a cyst that had grown. Nothing that was going to stop me from going about my day to day business. I planned on telling my doctor about it when I saw him for my annual exam. In the meantime, I would keep an eye on it.
I do feel like I've come full circle as I enter this first anniversay. I still take one day at a time... don't look too far into the future. Trying to enjoy life and appreciate what I have. And I have alot!!!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Moving on
Doctor appointment tomorrow - plastic surgeon. It's just a regular check up, but I'm hoping we can start talking about planning for the next surgery. It will be a relief to get the permanent implants in place.
What am I relieving? I don't really know. The doctor can't tell me they'll feel any better than the ones I have now, but I'm hoping that's the case. Hoping they'll feel a little more natural, softer. That's the physical aspect of it. Maybe the relief I seek is to close this chapter and move on.
Moving on, what is that? Do I forget about what's happened to me over the past 10 months? 10 months - that seems like such a short amount of time. It's not even a year yet! It's hard to explain how it feels - in some ways things are still so fresh, but in others it feels like a distant memory.
No, I'll never forget. The memory will soften as the time grows longer but it will never go away. I don't want it to.
What am I relieving? I don't really know. The doctor can't tell me they'll feel any better than the ones I have now, but I'm hoping that's the case. Hoping they'll feel a little more natural, softer. That's the physical aspect of it. Maybe the relief I seek is to close this chapter and move on.
Moving on, what is that? Do I forget about what's happened to me over the past 10 months? 10 months - that seems like such a short amount of time. It's not even a year yet! It's hard to explain how it feels - in some ways things are still so fresh, but in others it feels like a distant memory.
No, I'll never forget. The memory will soften as the time grows longer but it will never go away. I don't want it to.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Goals for Hope
Goals for Hope.... another great event to raise money to support Breast Cancer victims and their families. Goals for Hope
On Saturday August 6, 2011, an unbelievable group of people put together a really special women's soccer tournament. 170 players at the Lagrange soccer fields with all money going to the Miles of Hope Foundation was so well organized and attended! While I knew of these great events before I became a victim to the disease, I never really knew of the passion behind them. The incredible people who create and fulfill all that is necessary to run such a thing are a special bunch.
It was December 30, 2010 when I got a message via Facebook from a long ago friend, Mary Darcy Schanz. We knew each other in a past life back when I was in high school and Mary was not yet there. My blog alerted her to my situation and she reached out to me to show her support and cheer me on. We quickly caught up over the 30 years that we were missing from then until now. We would share things from the birth of our kids to an update on our medical situations. We became fast friends and strong supporters - again.
Somewhere in the middle of this time, Mary told me all about the event. While I'm not exactly a soccer player (hahaha) I am a very good volunteer and offered to help in any way possible. Mary connected me with her sister Trish and I was assigned to work at the raffle tent - whatever that was!
Raffle Tent - high stakes gambling (6 chances for $5) for donated prizes from local business. There were a few of us in there, but I was the newbie who had to learn the different levels of participation in order to place the purchased ticket into the bucket of the prize. The drawings were at the end of tournament so we had approx. 5 hours to sell, sell, SELL!!! We shared the tent with the logoed clothing and paraphernalia and somehow I was entrusted with Dana's cell phone so I could process credit cards! Besides being a very cool piece of technology - I thought I was hot stuff... kind of typical of me!
I wore my yellow 'Yes they're fake. My real ones tried to kill me.' t-shirt that my Workshop girls gave me right before surgery. It gets lots of attention whenever I wear it! It also demonstrates the sense of humor you need to get through the tougher times. It garnered so much attention that there is talk of adding this to clothing line for fund raising!
The co-chairs of the event presented to the crowd all the impressive details - money made, thanked players involved, thanked volunteers for their contribution. All the things that should happen at an event like this.
It was Mary who began to read the list of survivors... and somewhere in the middle was me... Mary Sylvester Ritter. The phrase shot through me like an arrow. I instantly felt alone but in shock. Reality can come smack you in the face sometimes and this was one of those times. That was me - survivor. It's still so hard for me to comprehend what I've been through in 9 months. I feel so physically good it's easy for me to forget what my body was like from Dec until May. It's easy to forget how unsure I was of the outcome when presented with a diagnosis in November. The thoughts and fears that consumed me all seem so far away ....
But here I was - standing amidst these wonderful women for the 'Survivor Picture'. That's right, for a few minutes I was known as a survivor. The rest of the time, I preferred to be known as Mary, the chick with the cool t-shirt working the Raffle Tent.
All in all, I had a blast! Time flew by with the ladies under the tent. I saw old friends, made new and confirmed what I knew already - the people in my life are a courageous, caring, giving, selfless bunch. I found myself counting my blessings more than remembering what I lost.
On Saturday August 6, 2011, an unbelievable group of people put together a really special women's soccer tournament. 170 players at the Lagrange soccer fields with all money going to the Miles of Hope Foundation was so well organized and attended! While I knew of these great events before I became a victim to the disease, I never really knew of the passion behind them. The incredible people who create and fulfill all that is necessary to run such a thing are a special bunch.
It was December 30, 2010 when I got a message via Facebook from a long ago friend, Mary Darcy Schanz. We knew each other in a past life back when I was in high school and Mary was not yet there. My blog alerted her to my situation and she reached out to me to show her support and cheer me on. We quickly caught up over the 30 years that we were missing from then until now. We would share things from the birth of our kids to an update on our medical situations. We became fast friends and strong supporters - again.
Somewhere in the middle of this time, Mary told me all about the event. While I'm not exactly a soccer player (hahaha) I am a very good volunteer and offered to help in any way possible. Mary connected me with her sister Trish and I was assigned to work at the raffle tent - whatever that was!
Raffle Tent - high stakes gambling (6 chances for $5) for donated prizes from local business. There were a few of us in there, but I was the newbie who had to learn the different levels of participation in order to place the purchased ticket into the bucket of the prize. The drawings were at the end of tournament so we had approx. 5 hours to sell, sell, SELL!!! We shared the tent with the logoed clothing and paraphernalia and somehow I was entrusted with Dana's cell phone so I could process credit cards! Besides being a very cool piece of technology - I thought I was hot stuff... kind of typical of me!
I wore my yellow 'Yes they're fake. My real ones tried to kill me.' t-shirt that my Workshop girls gave me right before surgery. It gets lots of attention whenever I wear it! It also demonstrates the sense of humor you need to get through the tougher times. It garnered so much attention that there is talk of adding this to clothing line for fund raising!
The co-chairs of the event presented to the crowd all the impressive details - money made, thanked players involved, thanked volunteers for their contribution. All the things that should happen at an event like this.
It was Mary who began to read the list of survivors... and somewhere in the middle was me... Mary Sylvester Ritter. The phrase shot through me like an arrow. I instantly felt alone but in shock. Reality can come smack you in the face sometimes and this was one of those times. That was me - survivor. It's still so hard for me to comprehend what I've been through in 9 months. I feel so physically good it's easy for me to forget what my body was like from Dec until May. It's easy to forget how unsure I was of the outcome when presented with a diagnosis in November. The thoughts and fears that consumed me all seem so far away ....
But here I was - standing amidst these wonderful women for the 'Survivor Picture'. That's right, for a few minutes I was known as a survivor. The rest of the time, I preferred to be known as Mary, the chick with the cool t-shirt working the Raffle Tent.
All in all, I had a blast! Time flew by with the ladies under the tent. I saw old friends, made new and confirmed what I knew already - the people in my life are a courageous, caring, giving, selfless bunch. I found myself counting my blessings more than remembering what I lost.
Monday, July 25, 2011
49 - 28 - 35
Measurements? Maybe if you were Barbie! These numbers are not physical measurements but markers.
49 - Way back in the beginning of my writing this blog, I mentioned an article I read about other survivors and the goals they had. Reasons to feel the pain of chemotherapy and radiation and cure yourself just to see your children get married or hold your grandchild. I couldn't wrap my head around it back then.
I used to be the one who never broke the mold - laughing in adversity, enjoying any situation, serious professional when I needed to be, concerned for the safety of my family, a caring friend and supporter, tough enough to stand up to the big boys, etc. A force unto myself. Never really getting 'that' close to people so they would know ALL about me. I created a good cover - stone cold Mary.
In my 49th year of life on this planet, I've become a different person. Many of these things about me haven't changed. I still laugh and smile to make the best of a situation. Life is fun, after all! I always look on the bright side as an eternal optimist. What has changed is I'm not emotionless as I once was. I wear my vulnerability much more on my sleeve. Tears flow a lot more easily than they ever have. Sometimes uncontrollably - it's not my comfort zone, but I can't seem to help it.
Over the course of these last 7 months, the outpouring of love and support that has come my way has been overwhelming. Cards and letters, internet chats and emails, flowers and plants all meant so much to me. With each note, I felt my armor crack and finally crumble away. It helped me to realize how many people I've effected and how I'm not done making a difference in others lives.
My family, my friends, my dancer family, my office - all of them are the reason I did chemotherapy, surgery and radiation to cure myself. I love my life and want to live more of it! I'm not done yet.
28 - This week I finished my radiation treatments. The extra safety measures to ensure we got all the cancer. I didn't feel the fatigue they described, just some soreness like a sunburn with the worst of it under my armpit. It feels better each day.
35 - About a year ago, Bob and I were driving past a cemetery and we started to talk about heaven. Being Jewish, Bob doesn't believe in the concept of a life after death but I do. He asked me what I would look like when I'm in heaven. Back then, my answer was I'd be 35. When I was 35, I was in the best shape, my hair was still red and I was just in a good place. Bob listened intensely and devised his own plan. If I could be whatever I want, then he would be Brad Pitt!!! I think I have him on board with the heaven concept!
But seriously. I've changed my mind. When I go to heaven, I want to be who I am today. I am incredibly satisfied at this moment. I have some really fulfilling relationships as a result of this disease and wouldn't trade them for the world. New friends, old friends, my family - they've all brought me to this place that I just wouldn't trade.
49 - Way back in the beginning of my writing this blog, I mentioned an article I read about other survivors and the goals they had. Reasons to feel the pain of chemotherapy and radiation and cure yourself just to see your children get married or hold your grandchild. I couldn't wrap my head around it back then.
I used to be the one who never broke the mold - laughing in adversity, enjoying any situation, serious professional when I needed to be, concerned for the safety of my family, a caring friend and supporter, tough enough to stand up to the big boys, etc. A force unto myself. Never really getting 'that' close to people so they would know ALL about me. I created a good cover - stone cold Mary.
In my 49th year of life on this planet, I've become a different person. Many of these things about me haven't changed. I still laugh and smile to make the best of a situation. Life is fun, after all! I always look on the bright side as an eternal optimist. What has changed is I'm not emotionless as I once was. I wear my vulnerability much more on my sleeve. Tears flow a lot more easily than they ever have. Sometimes uncontrollably - it's not my comfort zone, but I can't seem to help it.
Over the course of these last 7 months, the outpouring of love and support that has come my way has been overwhelming. Cards and letters, internet chats and emails, flowers and plants all meant so much to me. With each note, I felt my armor crack and finally crumble away. It helped me to realize how many people I've effected and how I'm not done making a difference in others lives.
My family, my friends, my dancer family, my office - all of them are the reason I did chemotherapy, surgery and radiation to cure myself. I love my life and want to live more of it! I'm not done yet.
28 - This week I finished my radiation treatments. The extra safety measures to ensure we got all the cancer. I didn't feel the fatigue they described, just some soreness like a sunburn with the worst of it under my armpit. It feels better each day.
35 - About a year ago, Bob and I were driving past a cemetery and we started to talk about heaven. Being Jewish, Bob doesn't believe in the concept of a life after death but I do. He asked me what I would look like when I'm in heaven. Back then, my answer was I'd be 35. When I was 35, I was in the best shape, my hair was still red and I was just in a good place. Bob listened intensely and devised his own plan. If I could be whatever I want, then he would be Brad Pitt!!! I think I have him on board with the heaven concept!
But seriously. I've changed my mind. When I go to heaven, I want to be who I am today. I am incredibly satisfied at this moment. I have some really fulfilling relationships as a result of this disease and wouldn't trade them for the world. New friends, old friends, my family - they've all brought me to this place that I just wouldn't trade.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Miles of Hope weekend... Sorority
Miles of Hope Brunch
My friend Lisa Arnoff is an incredibly dedicated volunteer for this organization. Through Lisa, I met Dana Effron. This woman didn't know me, but was on the phone talking to me the weekend after I found out I had breast cancer. Lisa and Dana were there to offer help and support in any way that I needed.
What I experienced at the brunch on Sunday was incredible. The room was filled with people giving money, time, support and energy to the cause and the people affected by it. Many of these people were friends, acquaintances, medical professionals, etc. that I've met along the way. Some were complete strangers. Others were afflicted with this disease just as I am. Dana called us a sorority, a sisterhood of sorts.
While I would never choose to have breast cancer, I would choose to be included in this strong and brave band of people. People who understand what it is to question why and yet appreciate the lessons to be taught and learned. I'm proud to be a part of it.
My friend Lisa Arnoff is an incredibly dedicated volunteer for this organization. Through Lisa, I met Dana Effron. This woman didn't know me, but was on the phone talking to me the weekend after I found out I had breast cancer. Lisa and Dana were there to offer help and support in any way that I needed.
What I experienced at the brunch on Sunday was incredible. The room was filled with people giving money, time, support and energy to the cause and the people affected by it. Many of these people were friends, acquaintances, medical professionals, etc. that I've met along the way. Some were complete strangers. Others were afflicted with this disease just as I am. Dana called us a sorority, a sisterhood of sorts.
While I would never choose to have breast cancer, I would choose to be included in this strong and brave band of people. People who understand what it is to question why and yet appreciate the lessons to be taught and learned. I'm proud to be a part of it.
Miles of Hope weekend... Survivor
Miles of Hope Walk/Run
For all the years of it's existence, I've avoided this event. Not because I didn't believe in the cause, but because I don't run 'short' races! Lori Decker chairs this event and for many years it was based out of Crush Fitness - the gym I was a member of. I would cruise into the gym on that day and hit the treadmill as usual. I'd make my donation, but join the race - not for me.
This year was the year for me to be there. I signed up as a volunteer since the thought of running/walking it 10 days after my surgery wasn't realistic. Ironically, the volunteer coordinator is Sarah Long - my trainer from my Crush days! We have a nice round of emails between us and it's set - she'll place me in a low-stress position and I'll have my Sarah with me so we can share the work.
Sarah and I arrive on the freezing cold morning totally not dressed correctly. We are placed on the registration table - the only place the sun is shining to keep us warm! The traffic at the table starts slowly, but gets very busy as race time approaches. Most people are wearing pink... me? I'm wearing my yellow t-shirt from my dancer girls - 'Yes, these are FAKE. My real ones tried to kill me!' It got a lot of laughs and smiles!
Somewhere in the middle of all this, I hear my name being called from my right. They are putting together a Survivor group photo and calling my name to come join them. Right. I am a survivor. A SURVIVOR!! I still can't believe it's me...
For all the years of it's existence, I've avoided this event. Not because I didn't believe in the cause, but because I don't run 'short' races! Lori Decker chairs this event and for many years it was based out of Crush Fitness - the gym I was a member of. I would cruise into the gym on that day and hit the treadmill as usual. I'd make my donation, but join the race - not for me.
This year was the year for me to be there. I signed up as a volunteer since the thought of running/walking it 10 days after my surgery wasn't realistic. Ironically, the volunteer coordinator is Sarah Long - my trainer from my Crush days! We have a nice round of emails between us and it's set - she'll place me in a low-stress position and I'll have my Sarah with me so we can share the work.
Sarah and I arrive on the freezing cold morning totally not dressed correctly. We are placed on the registration table - the only place the sun is shining to keep us warm! The traffic at the table starts slowly, but gets very busy as race time approaches. Most people are wearing pink... me? I'm wearing my yellow t-shirt from my dancer girls - 'Yes, these are FAKE. My real ones tried to kill me!' It got a lot of laughs and smiles!
Somewhere in the middle of all this, I hear my name being called from my right. They are putting together a Survivor group photo and calling my name to come join them. Right. I am a survivor. A SURVIVOR!! I still can't believe it's me...
Friday, March 4, 2011
#5
Things went a little smoother this time. Without the Adriamycin, it seemed to cut off 30 minutes or so. It seems all meds that I take have an effect on me even down to the saline. I can feel each and every one of them pulse through my veins. The nurses say I'm sensitive - sure, I'm sensitive alright!
I was quite tired through the infusion, but didn't seem to sleep much. Couldn't really open my eyes either. Just listened to what was going on around me. If I did open my eyes, I couldn't talk because nothing that made any sense came out so I just kept my mouth shut and smiled from time to time. My drug induced alter-ego.
The rest of the day was a day of rest. Nothing more than sleeping, eating and tv. My knees were feeling very stiff and invisibly swollen. But when I woke up, I they felt much better probably because I was laying flat. On top of that, I was pretty functional for the entire morning. I was able to check into work and do a little for my clients. Sarah made me one of my all-time favorite breakfasts - Eggs Benedict - it was great and this was her first try!!! She went off to go shopping with Phyllis and Alex came home to take me to my Nuelasta shot.
Alex and Bob waited outside while I ran in to have my shot which usually takes just a few minutes. It was pretty crowded in there so it definitely took longer. When I was leaving, the receptionist asked me to wait because someone was headed down to meet me. She referred to her as a 'breast navigator'! I have never heard of that in my life!! A few minutes later Linda appeared and nicely introduced herself and asked if I needed anything. She is available to help me with anything I may have needed to get me through the end. My friend Barbara asked her to come to see me - friends in high places! I explained where I was in the process and if I needed anything I would be sure to contact her. So many nice people out there caring about me. Thank you all.
I was beat when I got home. I knew I needed to lay down as my chest was hurting and I was tired. I slept longer than I expected and I didn't do anything tonight as planned. Bob and Sarah went to services and Alex and I stayed home and watched a movie. Plans are always flexible these days.
I was quite tired through the infusion, but didn't seem to sleep much. Couldn't really open my eyes either. Just listened to what was going on around me. If I did open my eyes, I couldn't talk because nothing that made any sense came out so I just kept my mouth shut and smiled from time to time. My drug induced alter-ego.
The rest of the day was a day of rest. Nothing more than sleeping, eating and tv. My knees were feeling very stiff and invisibly swollen. But when I woke up, I they felt much better probably because I was laying flat. On top of that, I was pretty functional for the entire morning. I was able to check into work and do a little for my clients. Sarah made me one of my all-time favorite breakfasts - Eggs Benedict - it was great and this was her first try!!! She went off to go shopping with Phyllis and Alex came home to take me to my Nuelasta shot.
Alex and Bob waited outside while I ran in to have my shot which usually takes just a few minutes. It was pretty crowded in there so it definitely took longer. When I was leaving, the receptionist asked me to wait because someone was headed down to meet me. She referred to her as a 'breast navigator'! I have never heard of that in my life!! A few minutes later Linda appeared and nicely introduced herself and asked if I needed anything. She is available to help me with anything I may have needed to get me through the end. My friend Barbara asked her to come to see me - friends in high places! I explained where I was in the process and if I needed anything I would be sure to contact her. So many nice people out there caring about me. Thank you all.
I was beat when I got home. I knew I needed to lay down as my chest was hurting and I was tired. I slept longer than I expected and I didn't do anything tonight as planned. Bob and Sarah went to services and Alex and I stayed home and watched a movie. Plans are always flexible these days.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The Coffee is TERRIBLE!!!
I've got a lot to write about after my last post on Wednesday....
I went to work with Bob on Thursday. I had been fighting a little head cold during the week but felt like I was improving. Even with that I was quite tired all day and really wanted to leave on time. We had planned to go to DeCicco's (our new favorite grocery store) that night to pick up some things for the freezer. Treatment cycle #5 is planned for this coming Thursday (3/3) so I need to have everything set in the house for the following week and a half. Also, Sarah and Alex will both be coming home for a few days - the best news of the week!!! Anyway, DeCicco's also has lots of prepared food with tables and we decided we would eat dinner there too. I felt so tired that Bob offered to just go home instead but I insisted we go anyway.
As usual, it was a great trip to the DeCicco's!! Yes, this has become a highlight of life and would suggest a stop there to anyone... think of it as Adam's on steroids. Exit 19 off of 84 --- end of commercial!!!
By the time we got the bags in the house and put away, my heart was racing and pounding in my chest. I got up the stairs to our bedroom and sat in my favorite This End Up chair to calm down. Yeah, I still have one. I usually only feel this way during the week after my treatment - but not even this way. During that week I would feel a heaviness in my chest, a sign of fatigue, as I've described in the past. This was different. Once my heart stopped racing, it was continually pounding in my chest. Palpitations. Then the racing would pick up again and then slow down. I figured I was just really tired and needed a good night sleep.
I did sleep some, waking occasionally, as usual. Each time I noted the feeling in my chest hadn't gone away. When I woke for the day at 6am, I layed there feeling the fluttering of my heart. Another feeling to add to the fast racing, the slow pounding and now the fluttering palpitations. Not sure what to do, I decided to try to ignore it and get ready for work. I already told Bob I wanted to take my own car because I felt so tired the day before that I might want to come home early to rest and then pick things up from there. I did my 'thang' - shower, breakfast, animals, etc.
I thought about working from home but knew I had Lynn coming in and needed to see her, not just for business reasons, but because she's just one of the best people I know and wanted to share our lives of the past few weeks. I got to the car and when I finally sat down I finally realized the pounding and racing in my chest had not gotten any better. I could say worse and almost continuous. Call the doctor, I finally said to myself. I sat at the bottom of my driveway trying to get through to the Poughkeepsie office. At least 3 people tried to patch me through, but I ended up nowhere. I finally gave up trying and headed into the office to a 10am meeting I had with a client. I slept through our meeting on Monday and had to make it up to her.
Sandy, my client, is very nice. She knows my situation and has sent me a lovely note of encouragement already. She opens our conversation with 'how are you feeling?' and I'm speechless. I knew I had something going on that day, but was it really necessary to share it with my client? I simply said 'Ugh - it's always something! Let's not talk about it...' She was very understanding and just talked business for 2 hours. While it was distracting for me, I did pay attention to the feelings in my chest and that they were not going away.
When I finished, I stood up and went to talk to Lynn. As I stood there, I had several waves of palpitations and added dizziness to the mix now.... yeah, I was getting a little nervous. We ordered lunch and it seemed to make me feel better. Dr. Rubin and Tammy take lunch at noon too and I knew I wouldn't be able to reach them anyway so I waited until after. Palpitations were back. It was approx. 1:30 when I spoke with Tammy describing my feelings of the past 18 hours and she was truly concerned. She quickly hung up with me to contact Dr. Rubin and by 2 I was talking to him myself. After quizzing me about everything, he convinced me to head to the ER for precautionary reasons. He closed with 'I wouldn't want you have a heart attack or anything' - I think I'm close to the exact quote. That sentence scared the crap out of me....
I had every intention of closing up shop for myself and heading to the ER since I had my own car. Bob was incredibly busy Friday - he had told me so that morning and I didn't want to add any more to his stress. My last trip to the bathroom before putting my coat on and my cell is ringing from Vassar. This time it's Dr. Keleher - breast surgeon. She's kindly calling me to offer a speak to a fellow survivor who's willing to share her experience with the surgery and after. During our last meeting, she mentioned this option knowing she has a list of people and described the woman she wanted to connect me to as 'not crazy like you' - I really appreciated that comment!!!
I tell her what's going on and she agrees I should head to the ER quickly. Then comes "You are not driving yourself, are you?" Of course I am, but she convinces me to tell Bob and have him drive me. I get to Bob and try to underplay it all but it's fruitless. At this point, I'm pretty worried and he immediately is too. He drops all afternoon appointments and before I know it we are in the car headed up to Poughkeepsie. Bob is calmly talking to me trying to ease my fear of having a heart attack. A heart attack seemed more real to me that this thing growing, or formerly-growing in my breast. I could actually feel something going on with this situation where my tumor was silent. Sitting in the car with my heart visibly pounding through my chest, I was emotional. Scared. It hasn't happened often.
The ER at Vassar has come a long way. While I haven't been there for myself EVER, I've delivered my family and friends there many times. It has much improved and I'm taken in immediately. One nurse is asking me questions and at the same time I'm getting an EKG from another in triage. I look up at my nurse and realize she looks familiar. I ask 'Did you ever dance?' and sure enough she has. It was Christine. I had been her teacher at least 15 years ago and knew her mother Lucy from running around Beacon all my life. My dancing connection never fails...
I'm whisked into a room alone because they don't want my immunity to be compromised. I really felt confident with my 'team' of Dr. John and Sarah. They evaluated me and ordered a bunch of other tests - CT scan, ultrasound, blood work, chest xray, I think that's it. They are looking for some sign of heart distress or blood clot. Everything comes back negative except for the blood... I can't remember what the name of the thing is they were looking for, but it came back positive. This doesn't mean the 'worst' just that it was a 50/50 chance I had something floating around. After all these come back, Dr. John (who's last name is some god awful long Dutch thing that he is tired of trying to pronounce for people so he just goes by 'John') talks to Dr. Rubin and they agree I should be admitted for observation.
By now, Barbara knows about my visit to the hospital. We were to have dinner with she and Allen and we had to cancel. In the conversation, Bob has to tell why.... let's just say Barbara is on the phone getting me a room ASAP. Unbelievable. Someone from administration comes down to greet me and ask if I need anything. At first I say no, but I realize I'm sleeping there now and I came straight from work. I know they'll supply soap and a toothbrush. What is really bothering me is my wig!!! I ask if they have some sort of hat I could wear during the night since I will take it off to sleep. Not only do I not want to scare the crap out of my nurse, my noggin gets pretty cold from time to time!! Before I know it, she's back with a cotton adjustable hat with pink bc ribbons all over it... perfect and so appreciated!
I'm put on the cardiac floor instead of the cancer floor because of the heart monitoring. I'm pretty tired so I encouraged Bob to leave and Barbara to stay home. I was in the right place if anything happened and there was nothing they could do besides watch me sleep. I'm in a private room with a tv, the heart monitor and the dreaded saline drip and high hopes of sleeping... yeah right. I slept a little, but nothing like usual. Somewhere in the middle of the night, they decide I should have the calf massaging things that expand at intervals to promote blood flow. Even my nurse Maria didn't understand why since I was mobile and walking myself to the bathroom with no sign of edema. Either way, they weren't too bad after all and I did sleep a bit more after.
All night, I am still feeling the palpitations - more fluttering while laying in the bed and pounding when I get up to make my way to the bathroom or even shift to get at drink of water. They continue in the morning while I wait to be seen by the doctor. Now it's 2 doctors I'm waiting for - Dr. Rubin and a cardiologist. In the meantime, I'm brought breakfast. I'm served a 'regular' diet... non-descript omelet, bagel, cereal and coffee. Too much food, too much really lousy flavorless food. Have I mentioned the coffee was terrible??? The worst I ever had? I drank what I could. Why? Because it was there... but within minutes of swallowing my KiSA (Knight in Shining Armor) Bob brings me McDonald's large coffee - what a relief!!!
I finally see Dr. Rubin at 1pm. It's Saturday, so there is no big rush for them to get through their rounds. I'm so happy to see him, but he's not so happy to see me in this situation. We talk all about what's going on and he's very concerned with the effects of the Adriamycin on my system - specifically my heart. It is known to have cardiotoxic effects and I've felt those early on as I've described the heaviness I would feel in my chest after chemo. But this episode was very alarming to him. He spoke with colleagues about lowering my dosage to achieve the result we wanted and they agreed. I've made it through 4 cycles of it and it would be eliminated from the next 2. Dr. R talked all numbers - mg. per meter squared, etc. The dosage I've received is close enough and more than most can tolerate. This cycle I will not receive all 3 chemo drugs only 2 - Taxotere and Cytoxcin. In a way, I'm relieved.
In the meantime, the cardiologist has come in. He's reviewed all tests and talks to me about everything going on with me. He and Dr. R are discussing my case and they've come to an agreement - no more tests and I can go home. The tests indicate its a bigeminy arrhythmia - normal sinus rhythm followed by an extra beat. People live with this all the time and I can too. It more than likely will go away when I'm done with chemo. Even with this diagnosis, Dr. R wants to stop the Adriamycin for fear of anything more effecting my heart.
After waiting for 2.5 hours, I'm finally discharged at almost 4pm. A couple of gripes - first, there is only one doctor in the hospital on Saturdays that handle all admissions and discharges!!! That to me is way WAY understaffed!!! Second, the nurse I had on Saturday. Once she realized I was not the wife of Dr. Ritter and not in physical distress, so was not to be found. I stayed connected to a heart monitor and an intravenous drip even though I was being discharged. All I wanted to do was get dressed and I waited and waited finally alerting a technician a few times to get the nurse there. Again, doing the same thing to get myself out the door before nightfall. I really hate to complain since I know I'm not the only one needing care, but it did cause undue stress. Even a visit to my room to discuss it would have been helpful, but nothing. Water under the bridge...
We went for a burger and headed home. Yesterday, the walk to the door of the restaurant caused palpitations. Stayed home last night and relaxed with a bath and a movie. Perfect prescription because today I haven't had one!!! Walking around the house, up and down the stairs and not feeling anything like I did before. I'm a little tired and plan on taking it easy the rest of today hoping that experience is behind me.
I went to work with Bob on Thursday. I had been fighting a little head cold during the week but felt like I was improving. Even with that I was quite tired all day and really wanted to leave on time. We had planned to go to DeCicco's (our new favorite grocery store) that night to pick up some things for the freezer. Treatment cycle #5 is planned for this coming Thursday (3/3) so I need to have everything set in the house for the following week and a half. Also, Sarah and Alex will both be coming home for a few days - the best news of the week!!! Anyway, DeCicco's also has lots of prepared food with tables and we decided we would eat dinner there too. I felt so tired that Bob offered to just go home instead but I insisted we go anyway.
As usual, it was a great trip to the DeCicco's!! Yes, this has become a highlight of life and would suggest a stop there to anyone... think of it as Adam's on steroids. Exit 19 off of 84 --- end of commercial!!!
By the time we got the bags in the house and put away, my heart was racing and pounding in my chest. I got up the stairs to our bedroom and sat in my favorite This End Up chair to calm down. Yeah, I still have one. I usually only feel this way during the week after my treatment - but not even this way. During that week I would feel a heaviness in my chest, a sign of fatigue, as I've described in the past. This was different. Once my heart stopped racing, it was continually pounding in my chest. Palpitations. Then the racing would pick up again and then slow down. I figured I was just really tired and needed a good night sleep.
I did sleep some, waking occasionally, as usual. Each time I noted the feeling in my chest hadn't gone away. When I woke for the day at 6am, I layed there feeling the fluttering of my heart. Another feeling to add to the fast racing, the slow pounding and now the fluttering palpitations. Not sure what to do, I decided to try to ignore it and get ready for work. I already told Bob I wanted to take my own car because I felt so tired the day before that I might want to come home early to rest and then pick things up from there. I did my 'thang' - shower, breakfast, animals, etc.
I thought about working from home but knew I had Lynn coming in and needed to see her, not just for business reasons, but because she's just one of the best people I know and wanted to share our lives of the past few weeks. I got to the car and when I finally sat down I finally realized the pounding and racing in my chest had not gotten any better. I could say worse and almost continuous. Call the doctor, I finally said to myself. I sat at the bottom of my driveway trying to get through to the Poughkeepsie office. At least 3 people tried to patch me through, but I ended up nowhere. I finally gave up trying and headed into the office to a 10am meeting I had with a client. I slept through our meeting on Monday and had to make it up to her.
Sandy, my client, is very nice. She knows my situation and has sent me a lovely note of encouragement already. She opens our conversation with 'how are you feeling?' and I'm speechless. I knew I had something going on that day, but was it really necessary to share it with my client? I simply said 'Ugh - it's always something! Let's not talk about it...' She was very understanding and just talked business for 2 hours. While it was distracting for me, I did pay attention to the feelings in my chest and that they were not going away.
When I finished, I stood up and went to talk to Lynn. As I stood there, I had several waves of palpitations and added dizziness to the mix now.... yeah, I was getting a little nervous. We ordered lunch and it seemed to make me feel better. Dr. Rubin and Tammy take lunch at noon too and I knew I wouldn't be able to reach them anyway so I waited until after. Palpitations were back. It was approx. 1:30 when I spoke with Tammy describing my feelings of the past 18 hours and she was truly concerned. She quickly hung up with me to contact Dr. Rubin and by 2 I was talking to him myself. After quizzing me about everything, he convinced me to head to the ER for precautionary reasons. He closed with 'I wouldn't want you have a heart attack or anything' - I think I'm close to the exact quote. That sentence scared the crap out of me....
I had every intention of closing up shop for myself and heading to the ER since I had my own car. Bob was incredibly busy Friday - he had told me so that morning and I didn't want to add any more to his stress. My last trip to the bathroom before putting my coat on and my cell is ringing from Vassar. This time it's Dr. Keleher - breast surgeon. She's kindly calling me to offer a speak to a fellow survivor who's willing to share her experience with the surgery and after. During our last meeting, she mentioned this option knowing she has a list of people and described the woman she wanted to connect me to as 'not crazy like you' - I really appreciated that comment!!!
I tell her what's going on and she agrees I should head to the ER quickly. Then comes "You are not driving yourself, are you?" Of course I am, but she convinces me to tell Bob and have him drive me. I get to Bob and try to underplay it all but it's fruitless. At this point, I'm pretty worried and he immediately is too. He drops all afternoon appointments and before I know it we are in the car headed up to Poughkeepsie. Bob is calmly talking to me trying to ease my fear of having a heart attack. A heart attack seemed more real to me that this thing growing, or formerly-growing in my breast. I could actually feel something going on with this situation where my tumor was silent. Sitting in the car with my heart visibly pounding through my chest, I was emotional. Scared. It hasn't happened often.
The ER at Vassar has come a long way. While I haven't been there for myself EVER, I've delivered my family and friends there many times. It has much improved and I'm taken in immediately. One nurse is asking me questions and at the same time I'm getting an EKG from another in triage. I look up at my nurse and realize she looks familiar. I ask 'Did you ever dance?' and sure enough she has. It was Christine. I had been her teacher at least 15 years ago and knew her mother Lucy from running around Beacon all my life. My dancing connection never fails...
I'm whisked into a room alone because they don't want my immunity to be compromised. I really felt confident with my 'team' of Dr. John and Sarah. They evaluated me and ordered a bunch of other tests - CT scan, ultrasound, blood work, chest xray, I think that's it. They are looking for some sign of heart distress or blood clot. Everything comes back negative except for the blood... I can't remember what the name of the thing is they were looking for, but it came back positive. This doesn't mean the 'worst' just that it was a 50/50 chance I had something floating around. After all these come back, Dr. John (who's last name is some god awful long Dutch thing that he is tired of trying to pronounce for people so he just goes by 'John') talks to Dr. Rubin and they agree I should be admitted for observation.
By now, Barbara knows about my visit to the hospital. We were to have dinner with she and Allen and we had to cancel. In the conversation, Bob has to tell why.... let's just say Barbara is on the phone getting me a room ASAP. Unbelievable. Someone from administration comes down to greet me and ask if I need anything. At first I say no, but I realize I'm sleeping there now and I came straight from work. I know they'll supply soap and a toothbrush. What is really bothering me is my wig!!! I ask if they have some sort of hat I could wear during the night since I will take it off to sleep. Not only do I not want to scare the crap out of my nurse, my noggin gets pretty cold from time to time!! Before I know it, she's back with a cotton adjustable hat with pink bc ribbons all over it... perfect and so appreciated!
I'm put on the cardiac floor instead of the cancer floor because of the heart monitoring. I'm pretty tired so I encouraged Bob to leave and Barbara to stay home. I was in the right place if anything happened and there was nothing they could do besides watch me sleep. I'm in a private room with a tv, the heart monitor and the dreaded saline drip and high hopes of sleeping... yeah right. I slept a little, but nothing like usual. Somewhere in the middle of the night, they decide I should have the calf massaging things that expand at intervals to promote blood flow. Even my nurse Maria didn't understand why since I was mobile and walking myself to the bathroom with no sign of edema. Either way, they weren't too bad after all and I did sleep a bit more after.
All night, I am still feeling the palpitations - more fluttering while laying in the bed and pounding when I get up to make my way to the bathroom or even shift to get at drink of water. They continue in the morning while I wait to be seen by the doctor. Now it's 2 doctors I'm waiting for - Dr. Rubin and a cardiologist. In the meantime, I'm brought breakfast. I'm served a 'regular' diet... non-descript omelet, bagel, cereal and coffee. Too much food, too much really lousy flavorless food. Have I mentioned the coffee was terrible??? The worst I ever had? I drank what I could. Why? Because it was there... but within minutes of swallowing my KiSA (Knight in Shining Armor) Bob brings me McDonald's large coffee - what a relief!!!
I finally see Dr. Rubin at 1pm. It's Saturday, so there is no big rush for them to get through their rounds. I'm so happy to see him, but he's not so happy to see me in this situation. We talk all about what's going on and he's very concerned with the effects of the Adriamycin on my system - specifically my heart. It is known to have cardiotoxic effects and I've felt those early on as I've described the heaviness I would feel in my chest after chemo. But this episode was very alarming to him. He spoke with colleagues about lowering my dosage to achieve the result we wanted and they agreed. I've made it through 4 cycles of it and it would be eliminated from the next 2. Dr. R talked all numbers - mg. per meter squared, etc. The dosage I've received is close enough and more than most can tolerate. This cycle I will not receive all 3 chemo drugs only 2 - Taxotere and Cytoxcin. In a way, I'm relieved.
In the meantime, the cardiologist has come in. He's reviewed all tests and talks to me about everything going on with me. He and Dr. R are discussing my case and they've come to an agreement - no more tests and I can go home. The tests indicate its a bigeminy arrhythmia - normal sinus rhythm followed by an extra beat. People live with this all the time and I can too. It more than likely will go away when I'm done with chemo. Even with this diagnosis, Dr. R wants to stop the Adriamycin for fear of anything more effecting my heart.
After waiting for 2.5 hours, I'm finally discharged at almost 4pm. A couple of gripes - first, there is only one doctor in the hospital on Saturdays that handle all admissions and discharges!!! That to me is way WAY understaffed!!! Second, the nurse I had on Saturday. Once she realized I was not the wife of Dr. Ritter and not in physical distress, so was not to be found. I stayed connected to a heart monitor and an intravenous drip even though I was being discharged. All I wanted to do was get dressed and I waited and waited finally alerting a technician a few times to get the nurse there. Again, doing the same thing to get myself out the door before nightfall. I really hate to complain since I know I'm not the only one needing care, but it did cause undue stress. Even a visit to my room to discuss it would have been helpful, but nothing. Water under the bridge...
We went for a burger and headed home. Yesterday, the walk to the door of the restaurant caused palpitations. Stayed home last night and relaxed with a bath and a movie. Perfect prescription because today I haven't had one!!! Walking around the house, up and down the stairs and not feeling anything like I did before. I'm a little tired and plan on taking it easy the rest of today hoping that experience is behind me.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Time
The other day, I was reading a magazine article about 5 women who had breast cancer. Each had a particular reaction or feeling that seemed to define what happened to them as they recalled in their story several years after they had been diagnosed. One thought to just let me live long enough to see my children grow. Another recanted how she lost a friend based on the emotional differences the disease caused them each to feel. I read them and could relate to all of them in some way, but at the same time couldn't find myself in any one of them
What am I feeling about this cancer thing? What's my deep philosophical revelation? I don't know yet. Maybe because I'm in the middle of it all. I was diagnosed 3 months ago and on that day, I was not surprised or shocked or even scared by it. I had a schedule of things I had to do to get to the surgery and I've been doing them. Methodically going through my day to day life to get past the bad week, thru the middle week and onto the 3rd and best week then, back down to do it all over again. 4 times over so far.
I haven't been thinking 'I want to live long enough to see _____ '. I've been doing what I'm doing in order to continue living as I did 3 months ago. To fulfill my normal life's length as was intended. To make my body cancer-free - 3 months from now.
My visit to the plastic surgeon had me thinking of foreign objects inside of me to make the outward appearances look the same. We discussed all the particulars before, during and after - long after. Months to get there. Thinking that far in advance is the most difficult - marking time.
It's hard to wrap your head around the time. Wasted time? Necessary time, but still valuable time.
What am I feeling about this cancer thing? What's my deep philosophical revelation? I don't know yet. Maybe because I'm in the middle of it all. I was diagnosed 3 months ago and on that day, I was not surprised or shocked or even scared by it. I had a schedule of things I had to do to get to the surgery and I've been doing them. Methodically going through my day to day life to get past the bad week, thru the middle week and onto the 3rd and best week then, back down to do it all over again. 4 times over so far.
I haven't been thinking 'I want to live long enough to see _____ '. I've been doing what I'm doing in order to continue living as I did 3 months ago. To fulfill my normal life's length as was intended. To make my body cancer-free - 3 months from now.
My visit to the plastic surgeon had me thinking of foreign objects inside of me to make the outward appearances look the same. We discussed all the particulars before, during and after - long after. Months to get there. Thinking that far in advance is the most difficult - marking time.
It's hard to wrap your head around the time. Wasted time? Necessary time, but still valuable time.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Difficult
I've had some difficulty keeping up with this blog this week. As I've experienced as I've gone along, things are not getting easier but harder. Longer to recoup, but recoup I will!
A good part of Sunday night was spent being hungry and hitting the bathroom. I continue to expel water every 2 hours because of the saline, I think. Hunger? The only thing I can figure to cause this is the extra Zofran I took on Saturday to curb the nausea. I won't be doing that again!
Yesterday, I desperately tried to work some in the morning, but couldn't keep my mind on anything. I was pretty well rested because of my 'sleep' Sunday, but I had a terrible taste in my mouth and felt 'hungry' in some weird sort of way. I would eat one mouthful and it would taste good, then immediately not be able to taste it again. I went through my day like this. I think I actually overcompensated by eating literally one or two bites of a dozen different things.
I went to see Heather, my massage therapist, to try to alleviate some of the back pain associated with the neulasta. She spent time working out my kinks and pains. I felt entirely renewed when I left. It is amazing
A good part of Sunday night was spent being hungry and hitting the bathroom. I continue to expel water every 2 hours because of the saline, I think. Hunger? The only thing I can figure to cause this is the extra Zofran I took on Saturday to curb the nausea. I won't be doing that again!
Yesterday, I desperately tried to work some in the morning, but couldn't keep my mind on anything. I was pretty well rested because of my 'sleep' Sunday, but I had a terrible taste in my mouth and felt 'hungry' in some weird sort of way. I would eat one mouthful and it would taste good, then immediately not be able to taste it again. I went through my day like this. I think I actually overcompensated by eating literally one or two bites of a dozen different things.
I went to see Heather, my massage therapist, to try to alleviate some of the back pain associated with the neulasta. She spent time working out my kinks and pains. I felt entirely renewed when I left. It is amazing
Saturday, February 12, 2011
#4
It seems now every treatment experience is a little different.
Thursday, we arrived a little early hoping to get started early. I had an appointment with my geneticist at 4pm and I wanted to be sure to make it. I made the decision to have the gene testing done to determine if I'm carrying it or not for 2 reasons - for me and Sarah (and Alex too). If I am carrying it, I'll have a double mastectomy immediately and get it over with. For Sarah, she now has the knowledge that she is likely to be carrying it too and it will help her to make her own decisions in the future.
But that didn't happen. I had my blood work done on Tuesday in anticipation of this day so we could start immediately, but the results were not at Dyson, so Kathy, my nurse, had to hunt them down. This delayed us almost an hour. When I saw Dr. Rubin during the off week, I complained that I had too much saline (2 bags instead of 1) and it made me very uncomfortable for several days afterward. He said many of the drugs do not need to be administered with the saline. I made sure I discussed this with Kathy ahead of time. She has a different methodology than the other nurses. She adminsitered 3/4 of saline bag first then followed it with the pre-meds, etc. This in itself slowed us down more. When 3:45pm hit, I had Bob go up to Kelli the Geneticist and reschedule. It wasn't until 5:30 that we left.
Sure some parts of my day were the same. Needles and drugs, Barbara and Bob. Shelly couldn't make it in this time - she had enough going on in her own life, that's for sure! But she was definitely there in spirit as she texted and im'd me throughout the day. What was different for me was the lack of sleep. Usually I go to sleep when I'm hit with the benedryl but not this time. I felt what would be described as restless leg syndrom, but I felt it all over my body. Although I was tired, I couldn't settle down to sleep and relax. I would be jolted up feeling jittery and uncomfortable. I had sent Bob out for a bit after Barbara had left. He was feeling anxious about the slowdown and it wasn't helping me. It was very crowded in the infusion room too. When we got there, there were no 'corner' chairs available, so there was a shortage of power for all our electronics. I had wanted to try to use Alex's Brain Scan pieces to try to help me sleep and did... but even that didn't help. I did manage a short nap when Bob came back, but not enough. I went home and settled in to rest and read for the night.
Friday wasn't much better. I managed a little work but then I had to lay down for a while. Shelly stopped by with fries with lots of salt - she knows that I can't taste anything for the next few days and the salt helps! After she left, I had to drive myself back to Dyson to get my neulasta shot. Barbara had called me to see if I could go out last night and at the moment I thought I could make it. I made what I thought was a 'quick' stop at the Walgreens but that was enough to wipe me out. Alex came home for the weekend but I wasn't much good with dinner for the night, so he and Bob finished off some leftovers and I layed down once again. I had a strange night sleep of feeling hot and cold all night.
So it's Saturday.... slow slow Saturday. Not alot gonna happen for me again today. I made some eggs for breakfast for all of us and had to rest. It's just the way it's gonna have to be... again looking forward to the upswing.
That's my update for now.
Thursday, we arrived a little early hoping to get started early. I had an appointment with my geneticist at 4pm and I wanted to be sure to make it. I made the decision to have the gene testing done to determine if I'm carrying it or not for 2 reasons - for me and Sarah (and Alex too). If I am carrying it, I'll have a double mastectomy immediately and get it over with. For Sarah, she now has the knowledge that she is likely to be carrying it too and it will help her to make her own decisions in the future.
But that didn't happen. I had my blood work done on Tuesday in anticipation of this day so we could start immediately, but the results were not at Dyson, so Kathy, my nurse, had to hunt them down. This delayed us almost an hour. When I saw Dr. Rubin during the off week, I complained that I had too much saline (2 bags instead of 1) and it made me very uncomfortable for several days afterward. He said many of the drugs do not need to be administered with the saline. I made sure I discussed this with Kathy ahead of time. She has a different methodology than the other nurses. She adminsitered 3/4 of saline bag first then followed it with the pre-meds, etc. This in itself slowed us down more. When 3:45pm hit, I had Bob go up to Kelli the Geneticist and reschedule. It wasn't until 5:30 that we left.
Sure some parts of my day were the same. Needles and drugs, Barbara and Bob. Shelly couldn't make it in this time - she had enough going on in her own life, that's for sure! But she was definitely there in spirit as she texted and im'd me throughout the day. What was different for me was the lack of sleep. Usually I go to sleep when I'm hit with the benedryl but not this time. I felt what would be described as restless leg syndrom, but I felt it all over my body. Although I was tired, I couldn't settle down to sleep and relax. I would be jolted up feeling jittery and uncomfortable. I had sent Bob out for a bit after Barbara had left. He was feeling anxious about the slowdown and it wasn't helping me. It was very crowded in the infusion room too. When we got there, there were no 'corner' chairs available, so there was a shortage of power for all our electronics. I had wanted to try to use Alex's Brain Scan pieces to try to help me sleep and did... but even that didn't help. I did manage a short nap when Bob came back, but not enough. I went home and settled in to rest and read for the night.
Friday wasn't much better. I managed a little work but then I had to lay down for a while. Shelly stopped by with fries with lots of salt - she knows that I can't taste anything for the next few days and the salt helps! After she left, I had to drive myself back to Dyson to get my neulasta shot. Barbara had called me to see if I could go out last night and at the moment I thought I could make it. I made what I thought was a 'quick' stop at the Walgreens but that was enough to wipe me out. Alex came home for the weekend but I wasn't much good with dinner for the night, so he and Bob finished off some leftovers and I layed down once again. I had a strange night sleep of feeling hot and cold all night.
So it's Saturday.... slow slow Saturday. Not alot gonna happen for me again today. I made some eggs for breakfast for all of us and had to rest. It's just the way it's gonna have to be... again looking forward to the upswing.
That's my update for now.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
MugA
I had an unexpected test today to check how my heart is withstanding the Adriamycin . Earlier in the week, I was describing the feeling in my chest for the week or so after the chemo treatment and Dr. Rubin just wanted to check that my heart wasn't being compromised.
Adriamycin is the dangerous drug that is administered from 2 vials into my IV on the day of chemotherapy. The general practice is a body can withstand 350 mg/m of the drug before it causes permanent heart damage. Based on my treatment plan, I will be below that at 300 mg/m by the time I go in for surgery and any damage that's happened is reversible over time.
Not used to feeling 'chest' pain or anything like that in my otherwise healthy body, it alerts me each time I feel it. And, in the week after the treatment, it happens quite often. Dr. Rubin listens to everything and encourages me to talk about anything unusual that is going on and this feels unusual for me.
I've actually had this test before I started the treatments also to test for my ability to withstand the Adriamycin back then. I was a different person then - just 2 months ago.
Usha is the technician who administers both the Nuclear and the MugA tests. For the MugA, you have to be connected to electrodes after being injected with a radioactive isotope. The first time, Usha thought there was something wrong with the machine because my heart rate was not registering. She complained that the machine had just been fixed and still it wasn't working. She did a good job of trying to troubleshoot it just as I would a computer for a customer. She would turn it off and on, try again, remove and replace the electrodes, swap out for a different set, unplug and replug them in, etc. I layed on the machine for nearly 30 minutes while she did all this. Finally she called her boss - a big burly but very nice man. I don't remember his name, but he did rush in and thank her for pulling him out from a meeting with the CEO!! I was beginning to feel a little guilty... truthfully I found it quite funny! Anyway, this man starts to run through all the tests again. After about 10 minutes, he asks me about my heart rate and blood pressure. I tell him both are unusually low - heart rate is around 58 bpm and my blood pressure runs around 90/60. He starts to unbutton his shirt and says to Usha "Hook me up". Three electrodes later and the machine is registering no problem! We all start laughing for a bit while he buttons up his shirt, gives Usha a few instructions and heads back to his meeting. With all that I finally register on the machine and with no surprise, my heart is in fine shape to start the treatments.
This time, Usha starts right away with the new procedure, but I suspect she doesn't need to. I can tell my body and my heart are different than they were just 2 months ago. As soon as the electrodes go on, I register and my heart rate is 74. Normal for most, but high for me. I'm a little disappointed. I'm able to take the test and hopefully find out the results tomorrow.
MugA test 2 is just not as good as story as the first time!
Adriamycin is the dangerous drug that is administered from 2 vials into my IV on the day of chemotherapy. The general practice is a body can withstand 350 mg/m of the drug before it causes permanent heart damage. Based on my treatment plan, I will be below that at 300 mg/m by the time I go in for surgery and any damage that's happened is reversible over time.
Not used to feeling 'chest' pain or anything like that in my otherwise healthy body, it alerts me each time I feel it. And, in the week after the treatment, it happens quite often. Dr. Rubin listens to everything and encourages me to talk about anything unusual that is going on and this feels unusual for me.
I've actually had this test before I started the treatments also to test for my ability to withstand the Adriamycin back then. I was a different person then - just 2 months ago.
Usha is the technician who administers both the Nuclear and the MugA tests. For the MugA, you have to be connected to electrodes after being injected with a radioactive isotope. The first time, Usha thought there was something wrong with the machine because my heart rate was not registering. She complained that the machine had just been fixed and still it wasn't working. She did a good job of trying to troubleshoot it just as I would a computer for a customer. She would turn it off and on, try again, remove and replace the electrodes, swap out for a different set, unplug and replug them in, etc. I layed on the machine for nearly 30 minutes while she did all this. Finally she called her boss - a big burly but very nice man. I don't remember his name, but he did rush in and thank her for pulling him out from a meeting with the CEO!! I was beginning to feel a little guilty... truthfully I found it quite funny! Anyway, this man starts to run through all the tests again. After about 10 minutes, he asks me about my heart rate and blood pressure. I tell him both are unusually low - heart rate is around 58 bpm and my blood pressure runs around 90/60. He starts to unbutton his shirt and says to Usha "Hook me up". Three electrodes later and the machine is registering no problem! We all start laughing for a bit while he buttons up his shirt, gives Usha a few instructions and heads back to his meeting. With all that I finally register on the machine and with no surprise, my heart is in fine shape to start the treatments.
This time, Usha starts right away with the new procedure, but I suspect she doesn't need to. I can tell my body and my heart are different than they were just 2 months ago. As soon as the electrodes go on, I register and my heart rate is 74. Normal for most, but high for me. I'm a little disappointed. I'm able to take the test and hopefully find out the results tomorrow.
MugA test 2 is just not as good as story as the first time!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Scaredy Cat
Something's eating at me ...
I have Breast Cancer. I found out the day before Thanksgiving. I told everyone within a week. Everyone but my mother.
My mother is now living in a nursing home. I can devote an entire blog page to how we got to this point and maybe I will someday, but for this post let's start there. She's 87 years old and she has good and bad days, but don't we all. She calls the Lutheran Home a jail, but without it she wouldn't be alive. Her memory comes and goes and her health is stabilized. As she's gotten older, she's become more and more self-centered.
We are all, and I mean all, guilty of coddling my mother. My mother never drove a day in her life and people would just pick her up to bring her places - my father, my Aunt Viney, her friends, her children, grandchildren, cousins, nieces, etc. That's just an example. No one would want to upset my mother then and now.
Here she is in a nursing home and cannot do one thing to help me. Me, the youngest and strongest of all her children. The one she would never expect to have this disease in her lifetime.
I'm afraid of her reaction, so I chose not to tell her yet. I figured I would wait until it was time for me to have surgery and just let her deal with that and not all this chemo stuff. When my hair fell out, we told her I colored my hair. My wig is so good, she had no doubt that's exactly what happened. She even commented how close the color was to my hair from 10 years ago! There's been an upper respiratory infection going around the nursing home and I've been avoiding going in there just as I've avoided going in anywhere. My kids went to visit without me and my sister Donna and niece Dawn have taken my place several times. Each of them telling my mother I've been 'sick' in some way or another.
It's been 3 weeks since my regular weekly Monday visits and Mom is asking for me. I don't think I can hide it from her any longer. I have to tell her and let her just have her reaction. She'll be upset, nervous, depressed, sad, angry, etc. I hate to think that I'll be the reason for any of that but I can't avoid it. I think I'll make a visit to the staff social worker to alert them to what I'm going to do. At least they can keep an eye on her for any undo reaction.
I'm the scaredy cat.
I have Breast Cancer. I found out the day before Thanksgiving. I told everyone within a week. Everyone but my mother.
My mother is now living in a nursing home. I can devote an entire blog page to how we got to this point and maybe I will someday, but for this post let's start there. She's 87 years old and she has good and bad days, but don't we all. She calls the Lutheran Home a jail, but without it she wouldn't be alive. Her memory comes and goes and her health is stabilized. As she's gotten older, she's become more and more self-centered.
We are all, and I mean all, guilty of coddling my mother. My mother never drove a day in her life and people would just pick her up to bring her places - my father, my Aunt Viney, her friends, her children, grandchildren, cousins, nieces, etc. That's just an example. No one would want to upset my mother then and now.
Here she is in a nursing home and cannot do one thing to help me. Me, the youngest and strongest of all her children. The one she would never expect to have this disease in her lifetime.
I'm afraid of her reaction, so I chose not to tell her yet. I figured I would wait until it was time for me to have surgery and just let her deal with that and not all this chemo stuff. When my hair fell out, we told her I colored my hair. My wig is so good, she had no doubt that's exactly what happened. She even commented how close the color was to my hair from 10 years ago! There's been an upper respiratory infection going around the nursing home and I've been avoiding going in there just as I've avoided going in anywhere. My kids went to visit without me and my sister Donna and niece Dawn have taken my place several times. Each of them telling my mother I've been 'sick' in some way or another.
It's been 3 weeks since my regular weekly Monday visits and Mom is asking for me. I don't think I can hide it from her any longer. I have to tell her and let her just have her reaction. She'll be upset, nervous, depressed, sad, angry, etc. I hate to think that I'll be the reason for any of that but I can't avoid it. I think I'll make a visit to the staff social worker to alert them to what I'm going to do. At least they can keep an eye on her for any undo reaction.
I'm the scaredy cat.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Catch-up time!
Sunday is good day to look back at the events of the week and see if they fall in line with expectations.
Work - While I did work every day this week, there were plenty of customers that I just didn't do enough for. I talked to some, emailed others, installed, updated and fixed computers, but it never seems to be sufficient and I never catch up. This is nothing new. It's the nature of my business and it brings plenty of stress. It's how I handle the stress that makes a difference for me. Before breast cancer, I would work until late late into the night or even early morning for a customer. Why? To solve their problem, to make them happy, to finish the job. Now, I just cannot do that any more. I'm lucky if I can string 4 hours in a row together. I juggle 3 and 4 customers at the same time and puts a mental strain on me. Even though I'm sitting at a desk, I need to rest from time to time. I feel a heaviness in my chest, an ache almost, that tells me its time to lay down even if I don't sleep. So, that's what I do. I rest in the afternoon and then get back to work. I've had to be candid with those customers that work with me and tell them my situation. They've all been very supportive and understanding, but I can feel they are growing frustrated with me. I'm learning to get others involved and pass off the work that I cannot handle in a timely manner. I'm still learning to rest when I need it to be more effective during the day.
I'm figuring out how to split my time at the office - physically. I spent the week at home and can remote into my office but I'm missing a few key components. This week I'll be sure to set up the balance so I can do my entire job from home. Most of my employees have been with us for over 10 years now. There is some complacency in being in a small company for many years, so this week I deliver the reminder of how things must progress in the future. How I need to handle things from here and use technology to my advantage to do that. A little look at the past, a reminder of what our company is based on and how we need to move to a prosperous future.... I've even pumped myself up!!!
Dance - I chose to stay home this week because of the impending neutripenia and it killed me. I'm sure life at the studio went on without me, but life at the Ritter house on that night was depressing! Plus, I missed the week before because of the snow and it looks like we're having another storm this Tuesday too - ugh! I left them in the good hands of Jackie and as she reported back to me all went well. The Intermediates were a little chatty (12 y.o. surprise, surprise!) and Workshop reviewed the 3 dances we were working on before the snow day. I also have Workshop working on a choreography assignment with a partner or within a group and they spent some time designing that. Jackie tells me I'm going to be pleasantly surprised. I'm excited to see what they come up with! Finger's crossed there's dance on Tuesday....
Family - On Monday, Alex and Sarah went back to Albany and Pittsburgh respectively to continue on with school. That alone makes me feel like life can go on with some normalcy. Dawny stopped by later that day and ended up with a bent fender and quarter panel! (no guilt here - sure) Insurance is a wonderful thing.
We saw Denise and Bill at Bill's Improv show on Saturday night, my first night out all week! I did have to take a couple hour nap beforehand so I could get to it at 8pm, but I'm so glad I did! It was staged in a small little black box theatre - the type you'd find in Manhattan - but on Broadway in Newburgh. It was very VERY funny and entertaining! It was a late night, but well worth it!
Friends - This week I heard from friends from Boulder to Pittsburgh to Poughkeepsie! Lots of emails, blog comments, voice mails, texts, facebook messages, chats and visits. It's overwhelming and heartwarming to have this support and contact from all over the map. I'm working hard on getting back to everyone, but it's bigger than me. This blog is my connection to everyone, I hope.
Chemo - no doctor visits because Dr. Rubin was sick and rescheduled me for tomorrow. But, I did find out my wbc was 1.8 which meant my choice to stay home was a good one... and no fresh fruits or vegetables, blah blah. My skin is very dry and I'm battling that as best as I can.
New this week is this heartburn and lump in my throat - oh yay!! It started a couple of days ago, now that I think of it, but tonight is pretty strong. Took a couple of tums but will mention to dr. tomorrow.
Let's see .... anything more? Nah, just the usual - snow
Work - While I did work every day this week, there were plenty of customers that I just didn't do enough for. I talked to some, emailed others, installed, updated and fixed computers, but it never seems to be sufficient and I never catch up. This is nothing new. It's the nature of my business and it brings plenty of stress. It's how I handle the stress that makes a difference for me. Before breast cancer, I would work until late late into the night or even early morning for a customer. Why? To solve their problem, to make them happy, to finish the job. Now, I just cannot do that any more. I'm lucky if I can string 4 hours in a row together. I juggle 3 and 4 customers at the same time and puts a mental strain on me. Even though I'm sitting at a desk, I need to rest from time to time. I feel a heaviness in my chest, an ache almost, that tells me its time to lay down even if I don't sleep. So, that's what I do. I rest in the afternoon and then get back to work. I've had to be candid with those customers that work with me and tell them my situation. They've all been very supportive and understanding, but I can feel they are growing frustrated with me. I'm learning to get others involved and pass off the work that I cannot handle in a timely manner. I'm still learning to rest when I need it to be more effective during the day.
I'm figuring out how to split my time at the office - physically. I spent the week at home and can remote into my office but I'm missing a few key components. This week I'll be sure to set up the balance so I can do my entire job from home. Most of my employees have been with us for over 10 years now. There is some complacency in being in a small company for many years, so this week I deliver the reminder of how things must progress in the future. How I need to handle things from here and use technology to my advantage to do that. A little look at the past, a reminder of what our company is based on and how we need to move to a prosperous future.... I've even pumped myself up!!!
Dance - I chose to stay home this week because of the impending neutripenia and it killed me. I'm sure life at the studio went on without me, but life at the Ritter house on that night was depressing! Plus, I missed the week before because of the snow and it looks like we're having another storm this Tuesday too - ugh! I left them in the good hands of Jackie and as she reported back to me all went well. The Intermediates were a little chatty (12 y.o. surprise, surprise!) and Workshop reviewed the 3 dances we were working on before the snow day. I also have Workshop working on a choreography assignment with a partner or within a group and they spent some time designing that. Jackie tells me I'm going to be pleasantly surprised. I'm excited to see what they come up with! Finger's crossed there's dance on Tuesday....
Family - On Monday, Alex and Sarah went back to Albany and Pittsburgh respectively to continue on with school. That alone makes me feel like life can go on with some normalcy. Dawny stopped by later that day and ended up with a bent fender and quarter panel! (no guilt here - sure) Insurance is a wonderful thing.
We saw Denise and Bill at Bill's Improv show on Saturday night, my first night out all week! I did have to take a couple hour nap beforehand so I could get to it at 8pm, but I'm so glad I did! It was staged in a small little black box theatre - the type you'd find in Manhattan - but on Broadway in Newburgh. It was very VERY funny and entertaining! It was a late night, but well worth it!
Friends - This week I heard from friends from Boulder to Pittsburgh to Poughkeepsie! Lots of emails, blog comments, voice mails, texts, facebook messages, chats and visits. It's overwhelming and heartwarming to have this support and contact from all over the map. I'm working hard on getting back to everyone, but it's bigger than me. This blog is my connection to everyone, I hope.
Chemo - no doctor visits because Dr. Rubin was sick and rescheduled me for tomorrow. But, I did find out my wbc was 1.8 which meant my choice to stay home was a good one... and no fresh fruits or vegetables, blah blah. My skin is very dry and I'm battling that as best as I can.
New this week is this heartburn and lump in my throat - oh yay!! It started a couple of days ago, now that I think of it, but tonight is pretty strong. Took a couple of tums but will mention to dr. tomorrow.
Let's see .... anything more? Nah, just the usual - snow
Friday, January 21, 2011
Rough and Tough
Rough night last night, tough day today...
Had a hard time getting back to sleep last night after my 'nap' of 4 hours. But even when I did get back to sleep, it wasn't a solid sleep. I was woken up quite a bit to go to the bathroom... I had gone through 2 bags of saline yesterday instead of the usual one so I was getting rid of a lot of that. I am feeling very bloated still today.
I did a little work today. Returned some emails, etc. It's the best I could do. Right now, I have a head ache and feeling some chest pain and the general tingling over my body. This is usually my cue to lay down... which I am going to do before the kids bring me back to Dyson for my Neulasta shot.
Did I mention the kids are home??? That's the good part...
Had a hard time getting back to sleep last night after my 'nap' of 4 hours. But even when I did get back to sleep, it wasn't a solid sleep. I was woken up quite a bit to go to the bathroom... I had gone through 2 bags of saline yesterday instead of the usual one so I was getting rid of a lot of that. I am feeling very bloated still today.
I did a little work today. Returned some emails, etc. It's the best I could do. Right now, I have a head ache and feeling some chest pain and the general tingling over my body. This is usually my cue to lay down... which I am going to do before the kids bring me back to Dyson for my Neulasta shot.
Did I mention the kids are home??? That's the good part...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Chemo Day 3
Started the day with coffee and downloading my bookclub book to my kindle. Took the eMend and it's making me hungry and a little lightheaded.
Dyson Center -
Because of the snow on Tuesday, I didn't get my blood drawn ahead of time. I'm waiting on the results of my blood work to find out if my wbc's are good to go. I think they are!! I sent Bob to get me food.... starving. I want to eat before I fall asleep and can still taste it! Stephanie is my nurse today. She's also affiliated with Dr. Keleher, so I've met her before and she's very nice. A massage therapist, Maureen, has stopped by to see me and did a little work on my back and neck. Her service here is supplied by the Miles of Hope organization. It's so wonderful that there are people and services available to not only help you survive, but thrive!!!
Internet here is really a problem! They must have changed things since the last time I was here. The time out of the connection is very fast - you have to constantly relog in. Very very annoying when you lose your updates and you don't even know it.
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Just got home from the infusion center... 9:30-5. Long day. Slept a lot thru it all. My coloring was off for most of the day. Shelly described is as yellowish. I usually get pale at some point during but I rebound and my rosy cheeks reappear, but not this time. I also 'felt' the drugs alot more. Meaning, I could feel them circulate through my body - looping through my heart, around the lining of my stomach, up and down my legs and across my shoulders. Strange. Barbara stopped in on her way to a lunch meeting - my friends are fantabulous.
Shelly made a pan of lasagna for us for dinner... really nice thing to do. I'm pretty much out of it tonight, so it comes at a really good time. Big plus - one of my favorite foods!!
Yesterday and today I'm feeling the effects of the steroids... my knees and my muscles feel swollen. It should only last a few days. Speaking of last, I'll get my neulasta shot tomorrow.
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I went down for the count immediately after this post... I hit the sofa for 4 hours and now I'm resting upstairs. I'll be in bed soon. I think this was a combination of my once a week sleep day and the chemo effects all in one. Different than last 2 times. My stomach is feeling a little strange too - slightly queasy, a little pain. Throat feels scratchy, but that's been a single to lay down and rest.
Looks like different is a way of life these days!
Dyson Center -
Because of the snow on Tuesday, I didn't get my blood drawn ahead of time. I'm waiting on the results of my blood work to find out if my wbc's are good to go. I think they are!! I sent Bob to get me food.... starving. I want to eat before I fall asleep and can still taste it! Stephanie is my nurse today. She's also affiliated with Dr. Keleher, so I've met her before and she's very nice. A massage therapist, Maureen, has stopped by to see me and did a little work on my back and neck. Her service here is supplied by the Miles of Hope organization. It's so wonderful that there are people and services available to not only help you survive, but thrive!!!
Internet here is really a problem! They must have changed things since the last time I was here. The time out of the connection is very fast - you have to constantly relog in. Very very annoying when you lose your updates and you don't even know it.
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Just got home from the infusion center... 9:30-5. Long day. Slept a lot thru it all. My coloring was off for most of the day. Shelly described is as yellowish. I usually get pale at some point during but I rebound and my rosy cheeks reappear, but not this time. I also 'felt' the drugs alot more. Meaning, I could feel them circulate through my body - looping through my heart, around the lining of my stomach, up and down my legs and across my shoulders. Strange. Barbara stopped in on her way to a lunch meeting - my friends are fantabulous.
Shelly made a pan of lasagna for us for dinner... really nice thing to do. I'm pretty much out of it tonight, so it comes at a really good time. Big plus - one of my favorite foods!!
Yesterday and today I'm feeling the effects of the steroids... my knees and my muscles feel swollen. It should only last a few days. Speaking of last, I'll get my neulasta shot tomorrow.
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I went down for the count immediately after this post... I hit the sofa for 4 hours and now I'm resting upstairs. I'll be in bed soon. I think this was a combination of my once a week sleep day and the chemo effects all in one. Different than last 2 times. My stomach is feeling a little strange too - slightly queasy, a little pain. Throat feels scratchy, but that's been a single to lay down and rest.
Looks like different is a way of life these days!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
No set backs
It's been awhile since I sat down to update my blog.... a few reasons for that. First and foremost, its been a pretty uneventful week! I'd like to say I've been feeling pretty 'stable' lately. Nothing really new to report on the health front - a little tired from time to time and still bald, darn...
We had a snow day yesterday - again. Bob thought I was crazy when I said 'let's go to the office'! Normally, we would welcome the day at home. But for me, I'll be home the week after next for the whole week and really didn't relish the thought of being home during the storm. So, off we went - have I mentioned that I love my snow tires? I'm a believer, but that's a topic for another time.
Once we got there, reality set in pretty quickly. I was so tired, I was non-functional. I had a day like this last week too. At this point, I was stuck at the office ... Bob was booked back to back. There was no one else in the office (or even the whole building) so I took advantage and gave my head a break and whipped off the wig. There are days I am finding wearing the wig 'annoying' - to sum up the feeling. Not long after, I manuevered myself into the tiny server room and layed down on the floor. I probably should have mentioned to Bob that I was laying down... you could imagine his surprise when he came in to get lunch and he found me passed out on the floor! Not really 'passed out', but you know what I mean. Needless to say, 3 hours later, I was back at my desk ready... ready to go home! A quick dinner from the 'gift of meat' and I was snoozing on the sofa by 6:30... followed by a full night sleep.
What's the difference? As I've mentioned before, I don't sleep well after I dance on a Tuesday night. This was no exception. In fact, as tired as I felt when I got home, I was not sleeping a solid hour at a time. Rough night leaving me with a rough day. I have to figure out how to manage it better because I'm not willing to change my dance schedule! I have an idea for next week - we'll see how it goes.
We had a snow day yesterday - again. Bob thought I was crazy when I said 'let's go to the office'! Normally, we would welcome the day at home. But for me, I'll be home the week after next for the whole week and really didn't relish the thought of being home during the storm. So, off we went - have I mentioned that I love my snow tires? I'm a believer, but that's a topic for another time.
Once we got there, reality set in pretty quickly. I was so tired, I was non-functional. I had a day like this last week too. At this point, I was stuck at the office ... Bob was booked back to back. There was no one else in the office (or even the whole building) so I took advantage and gave my head a break and whipped off the wig. There are days I am finding wearing the wig 'annoying' - to sum up the feeling. Not long after, I manuevered myself into the tiny server room and layed down on the floor. I probably should have mentioned to Bob that I was laying down... you could imagine his surprise when he came in to get lunch and he found me passed out on the floor! Not really 'passed out', but you know what I mean. Needless to say, 3 hours later, I was back at my desk ready... ready to go home! A quick dinner from the 'gift of meat' and I was snoozing on the sofa by 6:30... followed by a full night sleep.
What's the difference? As I've mentioned before, I don't sleep well after I dance on a Tuesday night. This was no exception. In fact, as tired as I felt when I got home, I was not sleeping a solid hour at a time. Rough night leaving me with a rough day. I have to figure out how to manage it better because I'm not willing to change my dance schedule! I have an idea for next week - we'll see how it goes.
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