Time

The other day, I was reading a magazine article about 5 women who had breast cancer.  Each had a particular reaction or feeling that seemed to define what happened to them as they recalled in their story several years after they had been diagnosed.  One thought to just let me live long enough to see my children grow.  Another recanted how she lost a friend based on the emotional differences the disease caused them each to feel.  I read them and could relate to all of them in some way, but at the same time couldn't find myself in any one of them

What am I feeling about this cancer thing?  What's my deep philosophical revelation? I don't know yet.  Maybe because I'm in the middle of it all.  I was diagnosed 3 months ago and on that day, I was not surprised or shocked or even scared by it.  I had a schedule of things I had to do to get to the surgery and I've been doing them.  Methodically going through my day to day life to get past the bad week, thru the middle week and onto the 3rd and best week then, back down to do it all over again.  4 times over so far. 

I haven't been thinking 'I want to live long enough to see _____ '.  I've been doing what I'm doing in order to continue living as I did 3 months ago.  To fulfill my normal life's length as was intended.  To make my body cancer-free - 3 months from now. 

My visit to the plastic surgeon had me thinking of foreign objects inside of me to make the outward appearances look the same.  We discussed all the particulars before, during and after - long after.  Months to get there. Thinking that far in advance is the most difficult - marking time.  

It's hard to wrap your head around the time. Wasted time? Necessary time, but still valuable time.