Silhouette of a Woman - the pre-game show

Tonight was the rehearsal for the Silhouette of a Woman fashion show at the Bardavon.  I was asked by Beth from Elizabeth Boutique to be one of her models and I quickly agreed.  This is to benefit the Miles of Hope organization and Beth has been hard at work putting it all together.  Here she is doing her thing -

They have over 60 models and I'll be appearing in the Shadows scene.  We did a quick run thru tonight.  Walking to center stage, walking through the audience and back up.  It was quite funny how many of the models were very serious about their jobs.  The second part we came out associated with our boutique and salon - it was nice to represent both Elizabeth's and New Creations - Beth has been very supportive of me and Colleen made me feel great by making me a red head once again!

The very last part, each survivor is announced with the length of time since diagnosis.  11 months for me.  I'm the newbie, so to speak.  Many people said congratulations to us and we shared our stories between us.  Again, as I stand there, I'm simply amazed it's me.  That I'm counted among the 'sisters'.  Totally surreal - I'm betting tomorrow night is worse....

October Dance Days

It's been a while since I submitted a post here - almost a month!  After so many posts, it's hard to believe I didn't feel compelled to write something over so many days.  But, it's that time of year for me... recital time.  Much of my free time is spent creating and fine-tuning the assorted projects I have going on for Yanarella School of Dance.

This year's story ballet is shaping up nicely.  Alice (in Wonderland) is a pretty complex story that I put together using primarly the soundtrack from the Broadway show Wonderland.  Certainly NOT the Disney version!  I love the score.  There are so many meaningful and powerful messages in the songs that's its hard for me to believe that it closed it's Broadway run so quickly.  I do feel lucky that we got to see it - me, Bob, Laura and Halley.  It really inspired me to work on this story.

Year after year, I am surprised and amazed at the talent and effort that emerges.  This year, we have a dedicated group of 13 dancers that comprise all the characters of story.  We spend most Sundays in September, October and November learning and rehearsing over long 10 or 12 hour days.  These girls give me everything they have... and we are all exhausted afterward.  The effort is so worth it in the end.  We all create nice memories and bonds that we share.  These are important parts of our lives that shape us all - even me.  Even now.

So, it's October.  This time last year I was feeling some pain in my left breast at the site of a cyst that had grown.  Nothing that was going to stop me from going about my day to day business.  I planned on telling my doctor about it when I saw him for my annual exam. In the meantime, I would keep an eye on it. 

I do feel like I've come full circle as I enter this first anniversay.  I still take one day at a time... don't look too far into the future.  Trying to enjoy life and appreciate what I have.  And I have alot!!!

Moving on

Doctor appointment tomorrow - plastic surgeon.  It's just a regular check up, but I'm hoping we can start talking about planning for the next surgery.  It will be a relief to get the permanent implants in place.

What am I relieving?  I don't really know.  The doctor can't tell me they'll feel any better than the ones I have now, but I'm hoping that's the case.  Hoping they'll feel a little more natural, softer.  That's the physical aspect of it.  Maybe the relief I seek is to close this chapter and move on. 

Moving on, what is that?  Do I forget about what's happened to me over the past 10 months?  10 months - that seems like such a short amount of time.  It's not even a year yet!  It's hard to explain how it feels - in some ways things are still so fresh, but in others it feels like a distant memory. 

No, I'll never forget.  The memory will soften as the time grows longer but it will never go away.  I don't want it to.

Second Life

Here it is... September.

One year ago, I had no idea the turn my life would take.  Just 9 months ago, 2 weeks after my recital last year, I found out I had breast cancer.  From that moment, my life flipped upside down.  While I tried to take each day at a time and deal with what came my way, nothing ever seemed really 'normal'. 

Time marched on and so did all my treatments and doctors appointments.  Previously, I was always so healthy and energetic, but this wouldn't always be the case now. I spent my birthday, anniversary and countless holidays and weekends making the best of it all.  It wasn't always easy, but you do what you have to and can do.

How different yet the same everything seems now.  I feel good.  I am working, dancing, running just as I did last year. Well, almost as I did last year - just a little lazy in the 'training' department.  The difference is that I'm thankful for each day I get to do it all over again.

So, this weekend I spent a few hours at the nail salon.  As bad as my nails were just a few months ago, these people were miracle workers. This one woman in particular (her name happens to be Mary!!) at this salon made them look just as they did before. 

But this time, I had someone else.  She had a heavy spanish accent and we didn't talk at first.  I don't even know her name because I could barely understand her.  She worked on my feet, which still have a heavy ridge at the top of the toe nail as a result of the chemo side effects.  When we moved to the chair to do my finger nails we were able to decipher our languages a little better.  I was marveling at how great my nails look naked!  She thought I was looking at the imperfections in her work!  When I was able to explain why I was so happy, she instantly smiled.  She too had breast cancer 9 years ago and had suffered the nail discoloration, pain, markings, etc. that I did.  Her's still show signs of that.  She was amazed at how good my nails looked.  We talked about breast size and hair and feeling bad.  All the memories that are so hard to erase.

Finally, she ended her time with me by talking about getting a second life.  Congratulating me for getting here and wishing me the best for my future.  I wished her the same.  We were instant friends - kindred spirits of sorts.

It's September.  I get to celebrate my kids birthdays - Sarah will be 23 and Alex 25.  Bob's is next and then mine.  In between is work, work, work, my dance recital and all the preparations that lead up to that, a run or two and plenty of other day to day activities.  It's a very busy time of year and I'm entirely grateful that I'm here to be able to deal with it all and enjoy all the craziness.  And then it's Thanksgiving... it will mark the year anniversary of the dreaded news.   But this year Thanksgiving is met head on as a celebration of life and hope.  I am truly thankful for my second life.

Success

Success is one of those things that can be a moving target. What is considered to be the meaning of success today can change as our lives change.  Success comes in all different shapes and forms and can show up at different times.

All our lives we are taught to set goals and when we reach those goals, we are supposed to feel successful.  Some measure their self-worth based on these lofty goals.  But I think success can happen long before the final goal is reached.  And who's to say that if you don't reach that goal, that you should feel proud of your accomplishments. The milestones along the way can be just as successful and fulfilling. 

Life is full of ups and downs, hills and valleys.  We fall down and get up and try again.  Where do we find the drive to keep going when you get defeated so often?  Human beings have an indomitable spirit and ability to adapt to new circumstances. 

Never give up... I saw the best example of that phrase in action this past week.  I know a guy.  This guy recently reached a goal that took a long time to achieve.  When there was a dead end, he found another road.  Success.  As each step along the way was climbed, a new one was added to the ladder.  Challenge after challenge wore him down but he persevered.  More successes.  Finally, 6 years of hard work finished with a diploma and yet another roller coaster ride began.  You'd think after all this, your ego would be hurt, your drive diminished.  Just over 2 months after and hundreds of resumes later, the job offer came in the mail.  The perfect offer from the ideal company.  The result of hard work and many many goals and successes.

Is success found in the ultimate goal? No, I don't believe so.  Success is living your life everyday the way YOU believe is best.  Finding happiness in what you do and making the best of every situation is success.

I couldn't be prouder of this guy  - if you haven't figured it out, it's my Alex.  He'll be very angry with me for writing this about him.  He's very humble and not boastful and really doesn't like it when we make a big deal about things.  But this is a big deal to me and Bob and we just can't hold in our excitement for him.  Sorry Bud - couldn't help myself!!  Love you.

Success is found all along the way... with many more to come!

Off to School

This week marks the beginning of back to school season here in the Northeast.  The college kids pack up their lives and are campus bound while the younger ones cram in whatever last minute fun or shopping they can before Labor Day hits.

In years past, I was doing all the running around shopping and moving my kids from here to there.  This year, things are different.  Alex has graduated, is looking for a job and is living in New Baltimore.  Sarah has been in Pittsburgh for 5 years already and is now in the midst of her Pharmacy rotations.  Things are pretty stable with them this year.

It's my dance family that's in flux.  It marks losing my seniors from my dance class.

I've been teaching for a long LONG time.  Our dance year runs from December thru November with our recital just before Thanksgiving - yes, we dance all year with no summers off.  Most of my Seniors 're-enlisted' after recital this year to continue dancing for a while because, believe it or not, it's really difficult to leave it behind.  Generally, I lose my seniors around February or March - before graduation.  I'm used to that. They all get so busy with end of school activities or preparations for college there really is no time for dance.  It was different this year.  I had more of them stay much longer than I expected - June, July and August.  In fact, a couple of them are leaving me tomorrow... and they leave for college this weekend.  That speaks volumes to me. 

I spent the better part of 6 months just trying to stay comfortable in my own skin.  There were days and nights it was easier than others. If you've been following this blog, you know that I would stay home the week after my chemotherapy treatment to protect me from catching anything from the kids at the studio while my white blood cell count was so low.  Every third Tuesday, my usual dance day, I would stay home.  It was very difficult for me to do.  Teaching dance is much more than a paycheck to me - it's my mental health, my therapy, my joy.

On nights I wasn't there, I would get messages from the girls, not just my seniors, that they missed me.  These teenagers did not have an agenda in saying that.  Not a selfish thought was in their head.  I may have planned an exciting class while I was gone with a fantastic guest teacher.  It would have been so easy for them to forget about me and my struggles but they didn't.  They reached out to tell me how much they enjoyed the night, but wished I was there to share it with them.  How do I describe my relationship with these kids?  Wonderful...

In fact, one of them went above and beyond.  I would be having difficulty sleeping so would pop onto Facebook late at night.  It would be Juliane who would see me and chat with me until I felt tired enough to try to sleep.  Some nights she'd do her homework while spending the time with me - which I would only figure out after the long pauses between chat lines. It'd go something like this - 'Are you doing homework?' 'Ummm Maybe'.  'Great' - let's just say I wasn't too happy about that!! 

Most of the time that wasn't the case and it was just us chatting about stupid stuff, making each other laugh, high school/dance gossip or discussing what was going on with me at the moment.  JP was very curious to know about the medical side of things so I answered the questions as detailed as I could.  It didn't matter.  It kept my mind busy on the nights when I was feeling blue.  She didn't know the effect it had on me and how much I appreciated it.  It was a game changer.

It's not to say we didn't have a special bond already going into this... I'll back up 4 years.  Juliane appeared in my Workshop class then.    There are 2 events that bring me and my students closer together - competitions and the story ballet.  During one of the years, we did a solo together for competition.  I particularly like to do 'novelty' type dances - funny, unique, strange - all that.  For JP, it was 'Sweet Georgia Brown'.  You see, she played basketball at the time and was pretty good at it. She could even spin the ball on her finger and I knew I could work that into a Harlem Globetrotter type tap dance... Oh did I mention she's a great tap dancer???? Yeah - she can do it all...

I called the dance 'risky' because whenever you work with a basketball, things can go dramatically WRONG!  She was willing to take the risk, so my imagination went wild!  In the 3 minutes we had, she became the waterboy for a basketball team - pushing a cart filled with balls.  Spinning, bouncing, throwing them - all while tap dancing!!! (and not easy tap dancing either)  After doing assorted other 'tricks' she finally rode the cart off the stage.  Somewhere in the middle she kicked one of the balls away!  And in typical Juliane fashion, she used it to her advantage with the judges who just loved her abiltity to make lemonade out of lemons!  Let's just say, it was worth the risk - High Gold and top score.  Very satisfying!!!

Soon after that, we did the 2nd thing - a story ballet.  Basically, to accomplish this we start spending virtually 12 hours every Sunday together starting in September.  That year, I decided to do Sound of Music.  Juliane played both male roles.  But, now that I think about it, that year we did 2 other time consuming numbers - 'Be Our Guest' from Beauty and the Beast and 'Freak Flag' from Shrek.  All 3 things took a lot of time to create and rehearse but it was so worth it!!

Over the years we did other solo tap dances together for competition along with assorted group dances.  Rehearsals were always long and arduous, but still we liked being there.  A long weekend dance convention and competition gives us time to just hang and do other stuff, talk of other things and not just dance. 

It was the fall of last year that solidified our relationship.  We had tryouts for my version of Wicked/Wizard of Oz.  Juliane earned the lead role of Elphaba in our little production - which meant more Sundays!  JP had a level of commitment to this that I've never seen in anyone.  She worked so incredibly hard on perfecting whatever I was throwing at her - and it was ALOT!!! I ramped up the difficulty and she mastered it.  She was always one of my better dancers but with this she owned the top position with no doubt.

She earned my respect in so many other ways.  She never complained of  being too tired, a step being too hard or having to work with someone she didn't like.  If I needed help, she offered whether I needed shopping done or prop painting.  She encouraged all those around her to be better and respectful.

To top all this off - Juliane put on the performance of her life at our studio.  She was incredible.  She has a talent that is rare.  I'm just glad I got to experience it in my own way as her teacher.  As I say, I'm just the navigator.

So, you see, we have this relationship that we built up over the years that culminated in the Wicked performance at the Recital in Novemeber 2010.  Approximately 2 weeks later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Chatting online was just a continuation of what had been happening for years. 

Tomorrow .... no goodbye's this time.  Only see you later's.

Thanks for everything Juliane.

Goals for Hope

Goals for Hope.... another great event to raise money to support Breast Cancer victims and their families. Goals for Hope


On Saturday August 6, 2011, an unbelievable group of people put together a really special women's soccer tournament.  170 players at the Lagrange soccer fields with all money going to the Miles of Hope Foundation was so well organized and attended!  While I knew of these great events before I became a victim to the disease, I never really knew of the passion behind them.  The incredible people who create and fulfill all that is necessary to run such a thing are a special bunch.


It was December 30, 2010 when I got a message via Facebook from a long ago friend, Mary Darcy Schanz.  We knew each other in a past life back when I was in high school and Mary was not yet there.  My blog alerted her to my situation and she reached out to me to show her support and cheer me on.  We quickly caught up over the 30 years that we were missing from then until now. We would share things from the birth of our kids to an update on our medical situations.  We became fast friends and strong supporters - again.

Somewhere in the middle of this time, Mary told me all about the event.  While I'm not exactly a soccer player (hahaha) I am a very good volunteer and offered to help in any way possible.  Mary connected me with her sister Trish and I was assigned to work at the raffle tent - whatever that was!

Raffle Tent - high stakes gambling (6 chances for $5) for donated prizes from local business.  There were a few of us in there, but I was the newbie who had to learn the different levels of participation in order to place the purchased ticket into the bucket of the prize.  The drawings were at the end of tournament so we had approx. 5 hours to sell, sell, SELL!!!  We shared the tent with the logoed clothing and paraphernalia and somehow I was entrusted with Dana's cell phone so I could process credit cards!  Besides being a very cool piece of technology - I thought I was hot stuff... kind of typical of me!

I wore my yellow 'Yes they're fake.  My real ones tried to kill me.' t-shirt that my Workshop girls gave me right before surgery.  It gets lots of attention whenever I wear it! It also demonstrates the sense of humor you need to get through the tougher times. It garnered so much attention that there is talk of adding this to clothing line for fund raising!

The co-chairs of the event presented to the crowd all the impressive details - money made, thanked players involved, thanked volunteers for their contribution.  All the things that should happen at an event like this.

It was Mary who began to read the list of survivors... and somewhere in the middle was me... Mary Sylvester Ritter.  The phrase shot through me like an arrow. I instantly felt alone but in shock.  Reality can come smack you in the face sometimes and this was one of those times.  That was me - survivor.  It's still so hard for me to comprehend what I've been through in 9 months.  I feel so physically good it's easy for me to forget what my body was like from Dec until May.  It's easy to forget how unsure I was of the outcome when presented with a diagnosis in November.  The thoughts and  fears that consumed me all seem so far away ....

But here I was - standing amidst these wonderful women for the 'Survivor Picture'.  That's right, for a few minutes I was known as a survivor.  The rest of the time, I preferred to be known as Mary, the chick with the cool t-shirt working the Raffle Tent.

All in all, I had a blast!  Time flew by with the ladies under the tent.  I saw old friends, made new and confirmed what I knew already - the people in my life are a courageous, caring, giving, selfless bunch.  I found myself counting my blessings more than remembering what I lost.