Never last my ass!!!

It was a cold and windy and rainy Sunday. I tried on one dress and bought it off the rack.  I fixed my own hair and did my own makeup. The sun came out and I was surrounded by my family and friends as I walked down the aisle with my father to marry this guy I met 1 year and 11 months before.  Two people from opposite ends of the spectrum somehow brought together by fate. One wedding guest (whom shall remain nameless!!) leaned over to my mother and said, 'it'll never last'.

We knew it wasn't going to be easy but it didn't matter.  We were in love.  The Jew and the Catholic.  Blue collar and white collar.  So different, but so much in common.  Like a jigsaw puzzle, we just fit together.

Let's fast forward 26 years...

I spend my days and nights with Bob.  We live and work and play together.  We are lucky enough to have 2 beautiful children that we raised to be independent successful adults.   So many wonderful things to recount over the years that its just too many to list.  We've had ups and downs, but always came out on top.  We are blessed in so many ways.

Why am I writing about this on my Breast Cancer blog?  Because it's here that I want to say if it were not for Bob, the success of these past 6 months would not have been possible.  He was with me at every doctor appointment, at every chemo treatment, at every moment of stress.  Bob was asking questions, researching information, making plans, helping with my dressings and medications.  He was cleaning the house, making  dinner, driving me everywhere I needed to be.  He held my hands before surgery and hugged me when I was afraid and never once made me feel less of a woman.  He was and is unbelievably supportive.  I think it even surprised him how much.

Bob has this way of putting a timeline on everything.  So when I was crying in the car on our way to chemo treatment #3 and I felt like I was going nowhere fast, Bob started talking to me about being almost done with #3, which meant we were virtually at treatment #4, which was over the half way point, which brought us straight to #5 with treatment #6 right after and practically done.  I suddenly was almost finished with chemo even before I got out of the car!  Quite the salesman, he is.  It was a good way to give me some perspective to work with even though it wasn't very accurate!  Plus, it made me laugh... always a good thing.

I love him for all he is and all he's done for me, for us, for our family.  This disease I have made us stronger as a couple - a force.  He held me up and I would turn around and do the same for him.  We always knew we would go the distance way back in 1985, but we never thought we'd be faced with cancer in this way. We've proven that we can overcome any adversity and wiped away the thought that I might not be here for the future years.  I'm thrilled that we are able to celebrate our 26th anniversary together and look forward to many more!

I love you Bobby ..........

Chemo Day 3

Started the day with coffee and downloading my bookclub book to my kindle.  Took the eMend and it's making me hungry and a little lightheaded.

Dyson Center  -
Because of the snow on Tuesday, I didn't get my blood drawn ahead of time.  I'm waiting on the results of my blood work to find out if my wbc's are good to go.  I think they are!!  I sent Bob to get me food.... starving.  I want to eat before I fall asleep and can still taste it!  Stephanie is my nurse today.  She's also affiliated with Dr. Keleher, so I've met her before and she's very nice.  A massage therapist, Maureen, has stopped by to see me and did a little work on my back and neck.  Her service here is supplied by the Miles of Hope organization.  It's so wonderful that there are people and services available to not only help you survive, but thrive!!!

Internet here is really a problem!  They must have changed things since the last time I was here.  The time out of the connection is very fast - you have to constantly relog in.  Very very annoying when you lose your updates and you don't even know it.
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Just got home from the infusion center... 9:30-5.  Long day.  Slept a lot thru it all.  My coloring was off for most of the day.  Shelly described is as yellowish.  I usually get pale at some point during but I rebound and my rosy cheeks reappear, but not this time.  I also 'felt' the drugs alot more.  Meaning, I could feel them circulate through my body - looping through my heart, around the lining of my stomach, up and down my legs and across my shoulders.  Strange.  Barbara stopped in on her way to a lunch meeting - my friends are fantabulous.

Shelly made a pan of lasagna for us for dinner... really nice thing to do.  I'm pretty much out of it tonight, so it comes at a really good time.  Big plus - one of my favorite foods!!

Yesterday and today I'm feeling the effects of the steroids... my knees and my muscles feel swollen.  It should only last a few days.  Speaking of last, I'll get my neulasta shot tomorrow.
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I went down for the count immediately after this post... I hit the sofa for 4 hours and now I'm resting upstairs. I'll be in bed soon.  I think this was a combination of my once a week sleep day and the chemo effects all in one.  Different than last 2 times.  My stomach is feeling a little strange too - slightly queasy, a little pain.  Throat feels scratchy, but that's been a single to lay down and rest.

Looks like different is a way of life these days!

Double Feature

I spent the last weekend getting ready for tomorrow.... You see, I really wanted to see 2 movies and couldn't decide on which one.   There were plenty of things I should have been doing - cleaning, laundry, etc.  Going to the movies was what I wanted to do.  That was my priority.

For about a week I've been feeling pretty good.  Like normal, but with no hair!  So much so, I've been working a normal schedule and going out most every night.  Maybe not as late as we usually would but out.  Last Thursday I went shopping and to dinner with Shelly.  Friday was Temple and dinner with Bob and Sunday Bob had his R&B gig plus we went to see Laura's new place and stop for dinner.... I started the week with a full day of work and the pin party!  The slowest day was yesterday - the snow kept us home but we worked from here and I had a great chat with my Workshop girls last night! More on that later.  And finally today - another full day and out to dinner. 

Back to the movies.  I know I'll be home for the next 10 days and I really wanted to see both The King's Speech and True Grit sooner than later.  Trying to decide with Bob, I said 'Let's see both' and he was up for it!  So we returned from our morning drive with Mark and headed up to the Galleria for Movie 1 - The King's Speech.  We loved it!!! Afterward, we met Shelly and Chris for dinner and they joined us for Movie 2 - True Grit.  Also a good movie!  Then back to S&C's for a glass of wine.  It was the grown-up version of a Double Feature!

The winner of the day???? The King's Speech - 4 thumbs up!

Tomorrow I have my 6 hour infusion of my chemotherapy cocktail... the beginning of another 3 week cycle of  low to medium to high!!!  I won't have the energy to do half of what I did last week.  Half??? Quarter...

But it's the 3rd treatment - half way there!!!  Almost.  The 3 week span between treatments 2 and 3 felt like a long time.  Different than between treatment 1 and 2 - must have been the holidays.  Winter is keeping me holed up in the house more and I sometimes wish I was doing this over the summer or spring when I can go outside.  Just can't sit on the deck and read a book these days!! I'm glad I'm busy just living my life during the days between.

I do indulge myself with 2 movies in one day, hang with my friends, dance when I'm not supposed to, eat almost anything I want, work all day, sleep a little later.... it's my life.  I like to think I fill each moment with everything I can between chemo treatments.  My choice of  not cleaning the house or doing the laundry, but going to a double feature with my boyfriend was definitely the right choice!

Making dreams come true

I'm sitting in the R&B bar in Millbrook trying to mind my own business.... In other words trying stay far away from people during this flu season!!! Why am I here? Why would I take such a chance? Well, its the culmination of a lot of years of Bob writing and playing in our 'guitar room' and practice, practice, PRACTICE!!!! Call it a check off of his bucket list! I couldn't be prouder of him for doing this. For putting himself out there. Taking a risk.

(I wrote that on Sunday from the bar on Bob's iPad... I'm not very good at the iPad.  It took me way too long to compose a paragraph, so I put it down and enjoyed the show.  Just getting back to it now.)

Bob was contacted a week or so ago to get together with The Differents at the R&B.  There was a benefit they were playing at to support a young woman heading off to Africa and thought it would a good time to get together.  Frankly, it was a little vague, but either way Bob thought about what he would play or present or discuss - whatever!!   So he prepared 4 of his songs:

1. I Need Conviction
2. Not For You To Say
3. I Am Your Champion
4. I Like Spending Time With You

The morning found Bob practicing as I headed off to acupuncture earlier than usual.   I wanted to fit it in before we headed out to Millbrook.  While I was gone, Bob went to the gym - I think to work off some stress!  His nerves were jumping when he got back and tried to organize all his stuff.  He couldn't collate his music papers - he was adorable.  I packed up the car and I drove him to the bar knowing he might have to write notes or review his stuff.  I was the calm one this time.  He laughed as we pulled out and realized I was treating him as I do all the nervous little girls I deal with at dance class.  And in many ways they are very much the same - stage fright can be overwhelming.  I gave him my best advice - smile and have fun!

The R&B is a small little place and it was not even 1pm so there weren't very many people there yet.  Bob met up with Vito - a fantastic musician he has met with privately before today and now they discussed his 'set' for his slot.  We listened to the other bands and artists while we waited - a surreal moment as the two of us looked at each other and knew he would be considered one of 'them' in no time!

Couldn't run out the door - it was Bob's turn.  He set up his guitar and effects box - he was sweating...  The other musician's helped him get his mic right and Vito was playing backup.  Vito introduced him as Bob Ritter - a singer songwriter!  He played his guitar and sang, like the rest of 'them' He did it!!! He talked to the audience and introduced his own songs and they were very supportive.  They cheered and urged him to do his encore and he gladly obliged! 

It was an experience of a lifetime.  I was so happy I was there to witness this great feat of strength.  The giant leap it took to do something you've always dreamed of not knowing if the landing would be hard or soft.  To appreciate the chance to perform - good or bad, mistakes or not.   Stepping on the stage and gaining confidence just by doing your best.  Feeling more alive because of it. 

I am so proud of you, Bob!  I love you more and more...

Bob and Vito - making dreams come true

Ticket

Woke up and felt tired.  Went to see Dr. Rubin today to find out what the results of my blood work was.  Alex came along to meet him and see Bonnie.  I sat on the exam table and could have fallen asleep.  He told me I was borderline neutropenic with a wbc of 1.9.  Which means, I was headed home.  Took the car ride home and felt tired.  Tried to get to work today but was too tired to do anything.  I ended up giving up and layed down for a 3 hour nap.  Made dinner and had to sit down to rest.  It looks like all the energy I had all week has been used up!  Almost time for bed... thank god.

The most significant thing that happened to me all day was Bob being pulled over by the state trooper as we were coming off of 84.  We thought it had to be because he had a head light out - that Volvo is notorious for the lights going out and we knew of one.  The cop pulled out and came up to us on the left and slowed down.  As we pulled off onto Route 9, he came along and flipped on his lights.  As Bob rolled down the window, he described the headlight issue to the trooper but the trooper responded with the real reason he pulled us over - inspection overdue!  Well, we were both so surprised by it and we told the trooper so.  Bob simply said to him we were distracted during the month because of my illness.  Trooper left and went back to his car.  He came back and handed Bob a ticket for the inspection and he was appalled that he didn't give him a 'fix it' ticket.  Bob started telling the trooper that he wasn't humane, could have made a choice, etc.  All I could think of was how was I going to get Bob out of jail!  I am not one to confront a police officer EVER, but Bob was great!!! Eloquent in a forceful way - the trooper has no idea what will happen when Bob shows up at court and fights this!  I don't think he cares if he wins or loses, he totally enjoys the argument and cannot wait to get in front of a judge or the trooper himself.  He thrives on this... this ticket and the opportunity it presented totally made Bob's (and my) day!!!

Through the looking glass

Funny how the world is these days.... Sarah and I are sitting at the kitchen table each with our own computer, talking to each other and surfing through other people's lives.  Different forms of stalking seems to be our entertainment.

Kind of like this blog experience for me.  Would I, under normal circumstances, have taken my journey to the public as I have?  I guess part of me would say yes - I am a bit of a public person in my own way.  I have a very big family, in a business with Bob and a dance teacher to many at Yanarella and I knew it would be nearly impossible to get back to all the people I would have to get back to about my illness.  The blog has helped to keep those who wanted to read about it the ability to keep up with me. What surprised me most was the friends and friends of friends that have come to follow my blog. 

Half of me wants to just be alone with all this.  I can be a pretty private person really.  For example, Bob would like to go out nearly every night and I have to convince him to stay home once in a while on the weekend.  Yeah, I'm all about a good time, but there are times I'd rather be alone.  Bob really enjoys his 'boy's night out' while I can't wait to eat junk food and watch a movie in bed!! My hair?  Would I have taken a picture of me in all my bald splendor and posted it on Facebook?   Uhhh - no.  Bob didn't think twice - poof - my bald head is on the internet!  Not because he was making fun of me, but because he truly thought it was a beautiful thing and wanted to share it with the world.  I've had to come to terms with all this, allowing those close to me to do what they have to while still being true to myself.

More on the wonder of Bob - since we got the news, he's been on a mission to find and create good out of all this.  He's been actively planning Breast Awareness Day at Yanarella School of Dance for early December, 2011 - my 1 year anniversary of remission, hopefully.  He's enlisted oconologists, breast surgeons, representatives from Health Quest, Miles of Hope, etc.  The list goes on and on.  All this swirls around me.  I hear it and cannot believe this is all happening.  Bob is marketing the heck out of this and because of him, we will save lives!

The freedom to unveil my head or talk about my breasts and all my bodily functions has been something that has taken over my life and has proven a lot for me to get used to. Thru this blog or over the internet I get to covertly reveal a lot of me without actually doing it in person. Like I am writing this all for me and who ever reads it, reads it.  That works for me.

Plans change

The difference for me this time through the treatment is knowing a little about what to expect.  The first 2 treatments have coincided with Christmas parties and New Years parties.  Hopefully, the next 4 will be a little less event filled and I won't have to make so many 'guilt-filled' decisions!!! I'm sorry to all my friends for not making it to your festivities - I know you all understand.  But I want to be sure to make my statement public to ease my own conscience.

The rest of the afternoon went very well yesterday.  3 hours at the office working on the books and back to the hospital for the Neulasta.  Sounds like a strange thing to say, but Sarah and I had a nice time doing this stupid, mundane stuff together!  We made a stop at Adams because I was determined to use my meat grinder.  This is the gift I bought myself this year.  I know it sounds strange, but after eating my friend Susan's delicious burgers last summer and then reading a recipe a few weeks ago, I figured what the heck and ordered one for myself!  None of this handcranking that my mother did.   I went for the electric, commercial grade, 100 pound machine!!! It's awesome!  It was missing a little thing called a locking pin - Alex tells me it's kind of important, but I was determined to use it.  So, Sarah and I set ourselves up to hold this thing together and we did it!  I ground chuck, lamb, rib eye and sirloin with some Cilantro, onions and chiles into the best burgers EVER!  I had enough to make a fabulous meatloaf for the day after.  Success!

We also stopped at Walgreen's to pick up some more essentials for when the rest of my face falls off.  Like my eyebrows and eyelashes.  I want to be prepared with a good brow pencil and some nice false eyelashes. 

I felt great most of the day... then all of a sudden the effort I'd need to muster to go to a party at Lisa and Michael's was just too much for me.  I had to back down and stay home.

But, we had a nice time with the kids!  We played Banana's on the bar and banged pans at midnight on the front porch like the good old days!  Afterward, I made them all eat 12 grapes for each bong like the Spanish tradition I learned in High School.  I couldn't eat them myself, so I was the 'bonger' ... if they could eat a grape with each bong, then it's a year of good luck!  Melissa laughed a little too much for a full year, but the rest of the group did great.  It was lots of fun - Doc Rigual would be proud!!!

We sat and watched a little of the party in the city and eventually we trickled up to bed.  This morning I woke to the typical pain of the Neulasta through my body.  It was hard to get moving and even harder to walk up and down the stairs.  I finally made it to the shower an hour later than I wanted to.  We did make it over to the Kram's by 1p.  They had a lovely New Year's lunch with a nice group of new people for us to meet and what a spread Allen put on!!! He is a fabulous cook and the biggest complement I could give to him was that I could actually taste the food and it was great!!!  I lastest about 2 hours or so, but it was a really good 2 hours! 

I'm glad to be home tonight again... this has really put a kink in Bob's social life!!! But he is the best guy in the world and would never make me feel bad. 

Plans for tonight?  Renting a movie and hanging around the house... just what the doctor ordered.

Ironic

I've been wearing a lovely cap all weekend trying to keep my hair from falling all over the place during the day. Emily sent it to me to protect my scalp for when I lost my hair, but I've been using it to keep it all together.  It's been 3 days since the hair started to come out, but today was really bad.  Bob's been wanting me to shave my head so it wouldn't feel so devastating and to take control of it.  Because of the snow, we worked from home today. so I went one more day before I had to make a decision.  I tried to ignore it today, but it was too much even under the hat.  I couldn't imagine going to the office tomorrow picking off literally hundreds of hairs off my face and shoulders all day - I have (or had) a lot of hair! So I gave Bob the go ahead.  He was pretty excited about it, ran upstairs to get the shaver and I thought he was just preparing the razor.  I turned the corner and he was already bald!!! I laughed and cried at the same time - what an incredible thing to do!  He made it easier for me to just do it.  So I closed my eyes, covered my face and relented.  Bob talked me through the whole thing building up my confidence for the big reveal...

Hair is one of those things that makes the woman (or man).  For me, my hair was my nemesis growing up.  Being redheaded, I was ridiculed and teased for a good portion of my childhood.  I had bright red hair and was commonly referred to as carrot top.  Back then, red hair was not something everyone envied - it made me 'different' and I had to adjust my personality to it.  It really gave me the resilience against the teasing to survive and flourish.  I believe it's because of my hair that I am the way I am today.

I think I was about 16 when I was sitting in the chair at the hair salon when someone actually complimented me on the color of my hair.  It was an 'over the top' compliment - you know the kind when they call all the others hairdressers to look and marvel and question if you color it or not.  That's when I started to really appreciate my hair.  It went on like that for years and years.  Really became my signature.

I turned 40 and my color started to change.  My hair was filled with many different shades of red, blonde, light brunette.  When it started to change, the red was the first to go.  It started to turn white - like my Uncle Rudy's - one of the other Italian red head's in the family.  But the white actually looked blonde among the other colors, so most people just saw me as a blonde. 

I was helping at Sarah's play when she was in high school at Arlington a few years ago.  I was fitting kids in the costume room when someone referred to the blonde lady... and I realized it was me!  I was no longer the red head, but the blonde lady. 

Why didn't I color it?  Honestly, I didn't have the time or energy to keep it up. I never wanted to look like a dyed red head and the only way to do it was to spend an inordinate amount of time and money to make it look natural - not my style at all!  So, I finally gave up and I became a blonde full-time.

The irony is - when I was little, I always wished I was a blonde to be like everyone else. Then my wish came true... and now, I have no hair red or blonde!  All this is so bizarre and unreal for me.  But, it's all a part of the process.  Now my defining feature is not the hair on my head, but the LACK of hair on my head!!

Bob wanted to take our picture to mark the day... and he posted it on facebook!  At first I was nervous, but I don't mind revealing my new look that way - it's safer for me.  The comments come flooding in... all so kind and supportive.  My dancer 'girlfriends' made me a fabulous video to remind me to 'Let My Freak Flag Wave' and they are right!  Thanks J, L and A!!!

Most of all, I realize I am who I am - hair or not!!

Bald and Happy!

Always in the back of my mind...

Office party at the Junction 52 was not quite how we expected it to be... lousy food, no heat, no other people.  It didn't seem to matter, though.  We just decided we'd make the best of it and never go back!  Afterward, Alex and I went to see Elisa for another acupuncture session.  She was as excited as we were that my wbc counts were up so high!  As usual, we both felt very good leaving.

Sarah made a delicious dinner for us tonight.  How lucky are we??? While I was enjoying dessert, I scratched my head a bit and in my hand was a bunch of hair.  I do believe it's beginning.... scary.

I put that thought behind me as best as I could and Bob and I went off to do a little shopping for the first time this year!  I didn't last long, about an hour.  It was good to get out though.  I bought myself another hat - just in case.  Back on my mind.  Merry Christmas to me.

Bob wants us to both shave our heads before I actually lose it - a solidarity thing.  It's really hard for me to face that reality.  Once Christmas is over, I'll consider it.  I've already cut it, but having it be very very short may be easier when it starts to fall out.  I don't know - maybe a crew cut...