Silicone wins!

Today was a good day.

I felt a little anxious over the past week.  Didn't sleep a lot last night - waking up pretty consistently with a little worry on my mind.  Finally when I do wake up for good at around 5am.  I see a text message from Sarah telling me she was home (at 2am) and that she didn't tell us she was driving late so we wouldn't worry about her.  I also see the power is out.  With no sound or light, I guess my for good wake up time was not 5am but closer to 6:30!!!

I needed to be at the hospital at 7:30am.  Woke up late, jumped in the shower and used the only hot water left, said hello to Sarah, heading out to St. Francis Hospital and get stuck in Arlington HS traffic for 20 minutes!!  We ended up that much late - but to my surprise behind the desk waiting for me was our friend Bonnie!  I was so happy to see someone I knew I forgot about my anxiety of the surgery and being late.  It was just what my day needed - a turn around.

At that point, I was moving.  I went into the prep area where I got to wear a fabulous gown with my butt hanging out.  Compression 'socks' that expand and contract to massage your legs really do feel nice!  Then more of the usual - blood pressure, pulse, temp and, my favorite, an iv line.  The only thing they put in the iv line in the prep room was saline and pepcid for nausea. I had already taken a eMend first thing for nausea too.  That part being done, I was just waiting for Dr. Sepulveda to come see me and the anesthesiologist Dr. Rau.

Dr. S came in and we discussed the size selection that we changed to on Monday.  Bob had a concern about a warning he read for 'larger' implants.  This didn't ultimately become the reason why we selected the smaller implants, but it did cause us to talk about it.  The saline temporary expanders were filled with 450 cc.  The intention was to go down to 425cc when we switched them to the silicon.  But we ended up with 400cc to allow for more movement.  The right breast had shrunk considerably due to the radiation and it was pretty tight and uncomfortable with 450cc in it.  So we chose a smaller implant to allow for space to move and hopefully soften up a bit.

The doctor was also going to make a few incisions to try to loosen it a little.  I honestly don't know if he did that since they put a bra on me and I haven't looked yet!!!  2 days - leave the bra on... I'll find out tomorrow!

They took me in to the O.R. at 9:30am.  I think it was about a 2 hour procedure.  The anesthesiologist was a very sweet man and the nurse was holding my hand as I dropped of to sleep.  I woke up in recovery a little groggy as expected.  Once I was able, they moved me to another location, helped me put my clothes on and sat me in a recliner.  Bob and Sarah came in all smiles and happy to see me - as I was happy and relieved to see them too!  I asked for my phone and did my best to text Alex and the others who asked me to let them know I was done while drinking the needed coffee and talking to the nurse.... technology geek, yup.

We left the hospital at 1pm and headed to Table Talk for breakfast for me.  That's how good I felt!  We ate and talked and finally left so I could nap a little at home.  Not feeling hardly any pain, I didn't take any meds but slept for a few hours before the throw-together dinner that Sarah made and it was delicious!!  We talked and laughed and had a good time - all very normal!!!

Right now - I feel good.  They are softer, smaller and a little sore but nothing to speak of.  I get tired from time to time in waves from the anesthesia but no big deal.  I think I can say that the silicone implants beat out the saline hands down!!!

iPhone action

Well here I sit in the plastic surgeon's office! Thanks to my iPhone, I can blog about it from here.

I signed a bunch of forms and will have my pre-op check-up. All the same warnings. Just hoping for no drains.

One of my favorite poems... When I die

When I die
Give what's left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die.
And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.

I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.

Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on your eyes
And not on your mind.

You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands,
By letting
Bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that's left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

-Merrit Malloy

The next phase

In a week from today, I'll be having the surgery to finish the job we began in April.

This surgery has been in the works for quite a while.  Much longer than we first anticipated.  The temporary implants were put into place on April 21st - the day of my bi-lateral mastectomy surgery.  Every few weeks, Dr. Sepulveda injected some additional saline into the temporaries to form the breasts that I've been carrying around on my chest for 9 months now. 

Originally, the thought was to replace these with the more natural silicon gel implants within just a few months.  Stretch the skin to support the size of the breast and then swap them out with the gels.  But, we had a little detour when it was determined that I would need radiation.

Dr. S was worried the radiation would damage the work he had already done - needing additional surgery to repair it.  He wanted to wait several months after radiation was done to see what the result would be on the right breast.  Radiation can continue to effect the tissue for this long.  While it didn't damage anything, it was true that there was significant changes to the right breast that were different from the left.

Dr. S filled the 2 breasts with saline to appear equal.  During this time, the left has stretched and softened a bit while the right has pulled in tighter.  The left even hangs quite a bit lower now.  I'm hoping Dr. S will work his magic in surgery to not only replace the implants, but to also make them look a little more similar.  I have confidence he will do a fantastic job - he is a true artist and takes his 'art' seriously.

As much as I am looking forward to a more natural look and feel, I cannot wait to have the ports removed.  They still sit on my ribs on either side of me and easily get irritated when sleeping on my side or wearing a bra.  Bra - not that I need one!!! I wear one if wearing a sheer top or sometimes just because it's a habit! 

The 3rd port on the left side of my chest is also being removed... this port delivered the Chemotherapy drugs to my body 6 times last year.  I will not miss it!!

I am looking forward to sleeping on my stomach.  To stretching in jazz class to my side/gravity stretch without feeling pain.  I'm looking forward to putting on my seat belt without it rubbing and irritating the strange bump that protrudes from my chest.  I'm looking forward to this week of doctor appointments and tests because it means I'm that much closer to it being over with.

It's Complicated

Yup, life is complicated.  I've wanted to update this blog for over a month now.  It seemed that as every day passed, the more the task was daunting.  It grew and grew with more things I wanted to say about the fantastic events of December, that it caused me to just stop.  I didn't know how to start.

But that's not right either.  I enjoyed doing this over the past year so why not continue something that makes you happy - just makes you feel good.  Here I am.  New Year's is as good a time as any to start it all up.... keep it short but write often.  I'll look back and reflect - laugh a lot, cry a little - as I recount my days once again.

Today, I stood with Bob in the middle of the Everglades - a beautiful experience.  He turned to me and said 'we really don't matter'.  I call it feeling 'small'.  Feeling like you are just a tiny spec when you consider the size and age of the universe and the history of mankind.  But the more I thought about it, the more I think he's wrong.

As Bob would tell me, pick your relatives!  I matter to Bob and Bob matters to me.  We matter to our kids and to all the people we meet and so on.  It's these relationships that we build that make us feel BIG - bigger than life itself.  Each person builds on each other and they become building blocks for our society - the world we live in.  One block falls out of place and it all comes tumbling down.  No matter how small or big, we all have an important role in each other's lives.

It's this kind of reality I look back on in 2011 and thank all who I know, all who have touched my life.  You build me up each and every day to get stronger and be a better person.  This year, 2012, is the year to pay it forward.

And so on.... Happy New Year!

Giving thanks

It's Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend.  It really was quite an eventful few days starting with Sarah coming in Wednesday and ending with Sarah flying home this afternoon.

In between we saw a local community play, celebrated Thanksmas with my side of the family,  hung out at Karma, showed our apartment in Newburgh and cleaned the house.  I don't take part in any Black Friday activities, so I saved my shopping for this week.  Even without hitting a store, we had plenty of things to do and it was jammed with fun.

Most notably this week was Thanksgiving Day, of course.  In our family, we are traditionally guests of other people's TG spread.  Over the past few years, we've traveled to Dawn and Sean's for an early dinner and then moved to Patti and Stuart's for dinner later in the evening. 

This year was a little different... Dawn and Sean had quite the eventful few months themselves.  They were hit by the flooding from hurricane Irene and lost their home back in September.  Coincidentally, they had already been looking at a new home and quickly closed on it and moved in. Happily, we sat in there new dining room eating the turkey Dawn cooked in her beautiful new kitchen!!!  A true reason to be thankful.

As I sat and ate next to my sister, I mentioned missing Mom this week.  This was the first holiday without her.  I saw a picture of her with my nephew Ben during the week and the emotions just flowed out of me.  I remembered picking her up and traveling through the county to get there for dinner and talking about anything and everything.  While it wasn't easy the last few years, she was still Mom - all laughs and love.  We missed her as we talked about the rutabaga Donna couldn't cook this year. 

My memories of last year flooded in a few times too.  I sat there eating and remembering what it was like last year.  Last year, I walked in knowing that I had breast cancer.  We didn't tell anyone and we tried to act normally.   I think we were successful although it felt like we walked with a cloud over our head and everyone could see it.  Either way, it was a very strange feeling. 

This year was entirely different.  We sat around the new table at the Ackerman's and ate and talked and laughed.  Reminisced of years past and were grateful for where we were today.

We moved on that day to Patti's.  Again, no one knew.  The four of us sat at a table in the back with just a few others.  It's like we were holding each other up because we were the only ones that knew our secret.  Bob shared with Patti that day.  Her mother-in-law Deena noticed our different behavior and asking about it.  This year I talked about my year and my journey to the family and friends that were there.  I was grateful that it was just part of my past now.

That night we drove home - me, Bob and Sarah.  Last year, Alex was going to celebrate Thanksgiving with Melissa's family but at the last minute because of the diagnosis, he changed his plans to be home with us.  This year, he made it the Clark's for the holiday - as much as I missed him, I'm thankful he was able to keep his plans. 

Life has gone on... I'm thankful for the gift of life.

A Year In My Life

It's been a year... a year since a distraught Bob walked through the door of the studio to tell me the news.  A year since we heard the words and saw the pictures.  A year since we told the kids. A year since every thing changed.

Memories come flooding back of those days.  When I could only think of the people I had to tell and what I had to do next.  Scheduling appointments was a priority and trying to figure out how to fix it.

I sat at my desk today and the messages came in marking the day from my family and friends.  Emails, tweets, texts, facebook are the reminders of the people I love and the connections I've made over this year.

I was happy.  I was sad.  But I do know how lucky I am.

Finding Wonderland

I haven't talked much about it lately, but the last 3 months of my life have been filled with preparations for this year's annual dance recital at Yanarella School of Dance.

If I said it was a lot of work, I'd be lying!  It was a ridiculously huge amount of work!!! I spent most Sundays teaching and rehearsing for 10 or 12 hours.  I've been teaching for 28 years now

My labor of love begins with auditions for the story ballet back in August. I prepare several pieces that I teach in a 2 hour time frame.  The girls learn as much as I can produce and decide which roles they will be auditioning for.  I invite a few teachers in to watch with me and judge and within 4 hours I've filled all the roles. 

Right after Labor Day I start having these marathon rehearsals.  I take time with my leads choreographing and teaching their parts - directing them.  After a few weeks, we add the other classes to the mix to create the balance of the story.  Each class usually gets a special part and of course a coordinated bow. 

This year, my story ballet was Alice in Wonderland.  As I described earlier in this blog, I went to see Wonderland on Broadway with the intention of using it for my ballet and it didn't disappoint.  The score is so clever and colorful!  I took the score and cut it all up to fit my storyline and started to put together dances.  We had about 8 of these long rehearsals - some with groups up to 70 dancers.  It was long and arduous and fun and exciting all at the same time.

My regular classes were moving along but not as quickly and seamlessly as I'd like.  I teach a group of intermediate 12 year olds and their classes were doing well.  They can always use more work, but I was very happy with their progress.  Workshop was working on 3 dances - Bless Our Show, Orange Colored Sky and another song. 

The other song... Late in the game, I changed the song to I'm Gonna Love You Through It - a Martina McBride song about the breast cancer experience.  Bob loved the song and felt it was very powerful.  I didn't change the song without clearing it with my Workshop class - everything we do is a team effort.  They loved the concept and the message.

So, I began to shift my focus to this new song.  Each week I would come to class with new choreography but nothing seemed to work.  I was really distraught about it.  I approached my former student Juliane for some help from long distance but it was too difficult to work together.  I just kept pushing through fixing, reviewing, adding - whatever it took.  We were almost there when I heard a different version of the song at the Silhouette of a Woman Fashion Show.  This was one week before the stage rehearsal!!! I had to add a couple of steps in the middle and a whole new ending.  I called an emergency meeting after one of the 10 rehearsals to work it out... and it worked!

I wanted it close to finished for rehearsal so we could get the audience to buy into our story.  We wore our costumes to get the full effect.  I had recorded my voice to begin the song - 'My experience began 10 days after last year's recital...' it was the first time the class had heard it and it was haunting.  We all immediately started to cry but it created the spark we needed.  The dance worked ... it just gelled into something beyond what we had even intended.  Jackie described it as 'Organic' - perfect description. We finished telling our story and as we all hugged and wiped away our tears, I looked into the audience and they were doing the same.  They got it... we conveyed our message.  I called it 'Experience of a Lifetime'.  Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMfZPgYsx14
This year's dance recital was a complete success!  The last song our story ballet was called Finding Wonderland and the are amazingly ironic.  I believe the journey over this past year allowed me to find my Wonderland.

Finding Wonderland
We move to fast
We miss so much
We seldom see all the miracles in front of us
A warm embrace
A human touch
And so it goes
I race around
Search high and low for a truth I used to know
When there was magic to be found

(Chorus)
Cause finding wonderland
Is taking time to see
The child within has always been there smiling back at me
So when I close my eyes I just remember and I cant hale finding wonderland

Its not to late
Here in my prime hearts can un-break in the story's nick of time
A happy ending
A perfect rhyme

(Chorus)
Cause finding wonderland is finding who you are
The child with in has always been there like a shining star
So when i close my eyes I see forever and I keep on finding wonderland

Ordinary magic happens every single day
Wonderland is never far away

Cause finding wonderland is going home again
To feel the love another gives and giving back and then
If you should lose your way reach out for someones hand and you'll be finding wonderland
Youll be finding Wonderland

Fashion for a Cause - Silhouette of a Woman

It started out as a regular day at the office... it ended with stories to tell!!

I went to work that day with the intention of leaving no later than 2p.  I scrambled out the door as close to it as I could.  I was told to get my nails colored red and be at the salon, New Creations, at 4pm for hair and makeup.

I was the last to arrive at the salon.  There were probably 6 or 7 other models waiting to get spruced up for the fashion show.  It was a special feeling to be standing there in that room.  As I started to chat with the other models, I realized what a special group of women I was among.  The models were a mix of ages and about half were survivors.  The other half were so interested in our story and compassionate to our journey that it was easy to see we found some new friends there. 

New Creations... these ladies gave of their time and energy to work on this event.  My hats off to Debbie, Colleen, Jennifer and Jill who really went over the top to get us ready.  Poor Jill was given the task of working on my hair. While I don't have much of it, I have 2 cowlicks that have a mind of their own!  But after many products, a couple of pairs of hands and a bobby pin or two, we got them tamed!  Colleen used makeup to hide my flaws and enhance what I have.  And don't forget the lashes!!!  I may never where that much makeup in my life or fix my hair that way, but it's incredible how good it makes you feel when all the fussing over you culminates in a 'look' and the compliments are flying!!!

Once we were finished, we were to head to the Bardavon.  There was a freak snow storm that night - Oct 27th, so we left with heads covered and faces sheilded to protect us from the elements.  A stop or 2 on the way and we all met up in our respective dressing rooms.  A group of my new friends all particitpated in a bit of Vitamin V to loosen us up.  We dressed with the help of Beth and Robyn from Elizabeth's.  Then we chatted and tried to stay cool in the tiny hot dressing room while the paying customers where in the lobby enjoying a beverage and the festivities in the theater.

It was finally time to take the walk.  As we made our way to our starting positions, it was clear we were going to rock this show!  My group was in the Shadows scene and we decided that it would be appropriate if we danced on the stage as we waited for the others to finish and end back on the stage.  That was right up my alley!! I was up first and did my best model posing at center stage with a lunge and a look to each corner and of course a spin to show off the flirty skirt I was wearing. Then it was off to walk through the audience, around the lobby and back up to the stage.  As we all made it to the line on the stage, we danced and laughed and held each other up!  We played the 'party scene' perfectly - even made the Poughkeepsie Journal! 

After the scenes were over, we split up again to join our respective businesses - Elizabeth Boutique and New Creations.  I was so happy and honored to represent Beth Madsen at the event. She worked so hard putting this all together and I really wanted to make her proud of her selections.  Hopefully she found a great deal of satisfaction in putting in the time and effort in creating such a wonderful event.  In fact, it was obvious that she did! She simply glowed that night!

The last part of the event pulled each of the survivors out to stand in aisles of theater.  Announced by name and time since diagnosis, I was honored to be among the 25 or so women in the show who took their places with their roses.  When all of us were in place, the call went out to the audience for other survivors to also stand as we were all honored with applause and a song.  Of course, the song was 'I'm Gonna Love You Through It' - more on that in another post.

While the song was playing, it was very emotional to look out to see Bob and Sarah, Shelly, my friends the Kram's and the Marcus's, Jackie and Marisa and anyone else I knew that came out to support this cause that has grown so dear to my heart.  I hugged my family, my old and new friends and my sister-survivors as I felt an enormous sense of gratitude for what I have.

A huge thank you to those involved.  It was a great experience for me and know the success of the event is a true testiment to the commitment of those who created it.  Hugs and more hugs!!!

Silhouette of a Woman - the pre-game show

Tonight was the rehearsal for the Silhouette of a Woman fashion show at the Bardavon.  I was asked by Beth from Elizabeth Boutique to be one of her models and I quickly agreed.  This is to benefit the Miles of Hope organization and Beth has been hard at work putting it all together.  Here she is doing her thing -

They have over 60 models and I'll be appearing in the Shadows scene.  We did a quick run thru tonight.  Walking to center stage, walking through the audience and back up.  It was quite funny how many of the models were very serious about their jobs.  The second part we came out associated with our boutique and salon - it was nice to represent both Elizabeth's and New Creations - Beth has been very supportive of me and Colleen made me feel great by making me a red head once again!

The very last part, each survivor is announced with the length of time since diagnosis.  11 months for me.  I'm the newbie, so to speak.  Many people said congratulations to us and we shared our stories between us.  Again, as I stand there, I'm simply amazed it's me.  That I'm counted among the 'sisters'.  Totally surreal - I'm betting tomorrow night is worse....

October Dance Days

It's been a while since I submitted a post here - almost a month!  After so many posts, it's hard to believe I didn't feel compelled to write something over so many days.  But, it's that time of year for me... recital time.  Much of my free time is spent creating and fine-tuning the assorted projects I have going on for Yanarella School of Dance.

This year's story ballet is shaping up nicely.  Alice (in Wonderland) is a pretty complex story that I put together using primarly the soundtrack from the Broadway show Wonderland.  Certainly NOT the Disney version!  I love the score.  There are so many meaningful and powerful messages in the songs that's its hard for me to believe that it closed it's Broadway run so quickly.  I do feel lucky that we got to see it - me, Bob, Laura and Halley.  It really inspired me to work on this story.

Year after year, I am surprised and amazed at the talent and effort that emerges.  This year, we have a dedicated group of 13 dancers that comprise all the characters of story.  We spend most Sundays in September, October and November learning and rehearsing over long 10 or 12 hour days.  These girls give me everything they have... and we are all exhausted afterward.  The effort is so worth it in the end.  We all create nice memories and bonds that we share.  These are important parts of our lives that shape us all - even me.  Even now.

So, it's October.  This time last year I was feeling some pain in my left breast at the site of a cyst that had grown.  Nothing that was going to stop me from going about my day to day business.  I planned on telling my doctor about it when I saw him for my annual exam. In the meantime, I would keep an eye on it. 

I do feel like I've come full circle as I enter this first anniversay.  I still take one day at a time... don't look too far into the future.  Trying to enjoy life and appreciate what I have.  And I have alot!!!

Moving on

Doctor appointment tomorrow - plastic surgeon.  It's just a regular check up, but I'm hoping we can start talking about planning for the next surgery.  It will be a relief to get the permanent implants in place.

What am I relieving?  I don't really know.  The doctor can't tell me they'll feel any better than the ones I have now, but I'm hoping that's the case.  Hoping they'll feel a little more natural, softer.  That's the physical aspect of it.  Maybe the relief I seek is to close this chapter and move on. 

Moving on, what is that?  Do I forget about what's happened to me over the past 10 months?  10 months - that seems like such a short amount of time.  It's not even a year yet!  It's hard to explain how it feels - in some ways things are still so fresh, but in others it feels like a distant memory. 

No, I'll never forget.  The memory will soften as the time grows longer but it will never go away.  I don't want it to.

Second Life

Here it is... September.

One year ago, I had no idea the turn my life would take.  Just 9 months ago, 2 weeks after my recital last year, I found out I had breast cancer.  From that moment, my life flipped upside down.  While I tried to take each day at a time and deal with what came my way, nothing ever seemed really 'normal'. 

Time marched on and so did all my treatments and doctors appointments.  Previously, I was always so healthy and energetic, but this wouldn't always be the case now. I spent my birthday, anniversary and countless holidays and weekends making the best of it all.  It wasn't always easy, but you do what you have to and can do.

How different yet the same everything seems now.  I feel good.  I am working, dancing, running just as I did last year. Well, almost as I did last year - just a little lazy in the 'training' department.  The difference is that I'm thankful for each day I get to do it all over again.

So, this weekend I spent a few hours at the nail salon.  As bad as my nails were just a few months ago, these people were miracle workers. This one woman in particular (her name happens to be Mary!!) at this salon made them look just as they did before. 

But this time, I had someone else.  She had a heavy spanish accent and we didn't talk at first.  I don't even know her name because I could barely understand her.  She worked on my feet, which still have a heavy ridge at the top of the toe nail as a result of the chemo side effects.  When we moved to the chair to do my finger nails we were able to decipher our languages a little better.  I was marveling at how great my nails look naked!  She thought I was looking at the imperfections in her work!  When I was able to explain why I was so happy, she instantly smiled.  She too had breast cancer 9 years ago and had suffered the nail discoloration, pain, markings, etc. that I did.  Her's still show signs of that.  She was amazed at how good my nails looked.  We talked about breast size and hair and feeling bad.  All the memories that are so hard to erase.

Finally, she ended her time with me by talking about getting a second life.  Congratulating me for getting here and wishing me the best for my future.  I wished her the same.  We were instant friends - kindred spirits of sorts.

It's September.  I get to celebrate my kids birthdays - Sarah will be 23 and Alex 25.  Bob's is next and then mine.  In between is work, work, work, my dance recital and all the preparations that lead up to that, a run or two and plenty of other day to day activities.  It's a very busy time of year and I'm entirely grateful that I'm here to be able to deal with it all and enjoy all the craziness.  And then it's Thanksgiving... it will mark the year anniversary of the dreaded news.   But this year Thanksgiving is met head on as a celebration of life and hope.  I am truly thankful for my second life.

Success

Success is one of those things that can be a moving target. What is considered to be the meaning of success today can change as our lives change.  Success comes in all different shapes and forms and can show up at different times.

All our lives we are taught to set goals and when we reach those goals, we are supposed to feel successful.  Some measure their self-worth based on these lofty goals.  But I think success can happen long before the final goal is reached.  And who's to say that if you don't reach that goal, that you should feel proud of your accomplishments. The milestones along the way can be just as successful and fulfilling. 

Life is full of ups and downs, hills and valleys.  We fall down and get up and try again.  Where do we find the drive to keep going when you get defeated so often?  Human beings have an indomitable spirit and ability to adapt to new circumstances. 

Never give up... I saw the best example of that phrase in action this past week.  I know a guy.  This guy recently reached a goal that took a long time to achieve.  When there was a dead end, he found another road.  Success.  As each step along the way was climbed, a new one was added to the ladder.  Challenge after challenge wore him down but he persevered.  More successes.  Finally, 6 years of hard work finished with a diploma and yet another roller coaster ride began.  You'd think after all this, your ego would be hurt, your drive diminished.  Just over 2 months after and hundreds of resumes later, the job offer came in the mail.  The perfect offer from the ideal company.  The result of hard work and many many goals and successes.

Is success found in the ultimate goal? No, I don't believe so.  Success is living your life everyday the way YOU believe is best.  Finding happiness in what you do and making the best of every situation is success.

I couldn't be prouder of this guy  - if you haven't figured it out, it's my Alex.  He'll be very angry with me for writing this about him.  He's very humble and not boastful and really doesn't like it when we make a big deal about things.  But this is a big deal to me and Bob and we just can't hold in our excitement for him.  Sorry Bud - couldn't help myself!!  Love you.

Success is found all along the way... with many more to come!

Off to School

This week marks the beginning of back to school season here in the Northeast.  The college kids pack up their lives and are campus bound while the younger ones cram in whatever last minute fun or shopping they can before Labor Day hits.

In years past, I was doing all the running around shopping and moving my kids from here to there.  This year, things are different.  Alex has graduated, is looking for a job and is living in New Baltimore.  Sarah has been in Pittsburgh for 5 years already and is now in the midst of her Pharmacy rotations.  Things are pretty stable with them this year.

It's my dance family that's in flux.  It marks losing my seniors from my dance class.

I've been teaching for a long LONG time.  Our dance year runs from December thru November with our recital just before Thanksgiving - yes, we dance all year with no summers off.  Most of my Seniors 're-enlisted' after recital this year to continue dancing for a while because, believe it or not, it's really difficult to leave it behind.  Generally, I lose my seniors around February or March - before graduation.  I'm used to that. They all get so busy with end of school activities or preparations for college there really is no time for dance.  It was different this year.  I had more of them stay much longer than I expected - June, July and August.  In fact, a couple of them are leaving me tomorrow... and they leave for college this weekend.  That speaks volumes to me. 

I spent the better part of 6 months just trying to stay comfortable in my own skin.  There were days and nights it was easier than others. If you've been following this blog, you know that I would stay home the week after my chemotherapy treatment to protect me from catching anything from the kids at the studio while my white blood cell count was so low.  Every third Tuesday, my usual dance day, I would stay home.  It was very difficult for me to do.  Teaching dance is much more than a paycheck to me - it's my mental health, my therapy, my joy.

On nights I wasn't there, I would get messages from the girls, not just my seniors, that they missed me.  These teenagers did not have an agenda in saying that.  Not a selfish thought was in their head.  I may have planned an exciting class while I was gone with a fantastic guest teacher.  It would have been so easy for them to forget about me and my struggles but they didn't.  They reached out to tell me how much they enjoyed the night, but wished I was there to share it with them.  How do I describe my relationship with these kids?  Wonderful...

In fact, one of them went above and beyond.  I would be having difficulty sleeping so would pop onto Facebook late at night.  It would be Juliane who would see me and chat with me until I felt tired enough to try to sleep.  Some nights she'd do her homework while spending the time with me - which I would only figure out after the long pauses between chat lines. It'd go something like this - 'Are you doing homework?' 'Ummm Maybe'.  'Great' - let's just say I wasn't too happy about that!! 

Most of the time that wasn't the case and it was just us chatting about stupid stuff, making each other laugh, high school/dance gossip or discussing what was going on with me at the moment.  JP was very curious to know about the medical side of things so I answered the questions as detailed as I could.  It didn't matter.  It kept my mind busy on the nights when I was feeling blue.  She didn't know the effect it had on me and how much I appreciated it.  It was a game changer.

It's not to say we didn't have a special bond already going into this... I'll back up 4 years.  Juliane appeared in my Workshop class then.    There are 2 events that bring me and my students closer together - competitions and the story ballet.  During one of the years, we did a solo together for competition.  I particularly like to do 'novelty' type dances - funny, unique, strange - all that.  For JP, it was 'Sweet Georgia Brown'.  You see, she played basketball at the time and was pretty good at it. She could even spin the ball on her finger and I knew I could work that into a Harlem Globetrotter type tap dance... Oh did I mention she's a great tap dancer???? Yeah - she can do it all...

I called the dance 'risky' because whenever you work with a basketball, things can go dramatically WRONG!  She was willing to take the risk, so my imagination went wild!  In the 3 minutes we had, she became the waterboy for a basketball team - pushing a cart filled with balls.  Spinning, bouncing, throwing them - all while tap dancing!!! (and not easy tap dancing either)  After doing assorted other 'tricks' she finally rode the cart off the stage.  Somewhere in the middle she kicked one of the balls away!  And in typical Juliane fashion, she used it to her advantage with the judges who just loved her abiltity to make lemonade out of lemons!  Let's just say, it was worth the risk - High Gold and top score.  Very satisfying!!!

Soon after that, we did the 2nd thing - a story ballet.  Basically, to accomplish this we start spending virtually 12 hours every Sunday together starting in September.  That year, I decided to do Sound of Music.  Juliane played both male roles.  But, now that I think about it, that year we did 2 other time consuming numbers - 'Be Our Guest' from Beauty and the Beast and 'Freak Flag' from Shrek.  All 3 things took a lot of time to create and rehearse but it was so worth it!!

Over the years we did other solo tap dances together for competition along with assorted group dances.  Rehearsals were always long and arduous, but still we liked being there.  A long weekend dance convention and competition gives us time to just hang and do other stuff, talk of other things and not just dance. 

It was the fall of last year that solidified our relationship.  We had tryouts for my version of Wicked/Wizard of Oz.  Juliane earned the lead role of Elphaba in our little production - which meant more Sundays!  JP had a level of commitment to this that I've never seen in anyone.  She worked so incredibly hard on perfecting whatever I was throwing at her - and it was ALOT!!! I ramped up the difficulty and she mastered it.  She was always one of my better dancers but with this she owned the top position with no doubt.

She earned my respect in so many other ways.  She never complained of  being too tired, a step being too hard or having to work with someone she didn't like.  If I needed help, she offered whether I needed shopping done or prop painting.  She encouraged all those around her to be better and respectful.

To top all this off - Juliane put on the performance of her life at our studio.  She was incredible.  She has a talent that is rare.  I'm just glad I got to experience it in my own way as her teacher.  As I say, I'm just the navigator.

So, you see, we have this relationship that we built up over the years that culminated in the Wicked performance at the Recital in Novemeber 2010.  Approximately 2 weeks later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Chatting online was just a continuation of what had been happening for years. 

Tomorrow .... no goodbye's this time.  Only see you later's.

Thanks for everything Juliane.

Goals for Hope

Goals for Hope.... another great event to raise money to support Breast Cancer victims and their families. Goals for Hope


On Saturday August 6, 2011, an unbelievable group of people put together a really special women's soccer tournament.  170 players at the Lagrange soccer fields with all money going to the Miles of Hope Foundation was so well organized and attended!  While I knew of these great events before I became a victim to the disease, I never really knew of the passion behind them.  The incredible people who create and fulfill all that is necessary to run such a thing are a special bunch.


It was December 30, 2010 when I got a message via Facebook from a long ago friend, Mary Darcy Schanz.  We knew each other in a past life back when I was in high school and Mary was not yet there.  My blog alerted her to my situation and she reached out to me to show her support and cheer me on.  We quickly caught up over the 30 years that we were missing from then until now. We would share things from the birth of our kids to an update on our medical situations.  We became fast friends and strong supporters - again.

Somewhere in the middle of this time, Mary told me all about the event.  While I'm not exactly a soccer player (hahaha) I am a very good volunteer and offered to help in any way possible.  Mary connected me with her sister Trish and I was assigned to work at the raffle tent - whatever that was!

Raffle Tent - high stakes gambling (6 chances for $5) for donated prizes from local business.  There were a few of us in there, but I was the newbie who had to learn the different levels of participation in order to place the purchased ticket into the bucket of the prize.  The drawings were at the end of tournament so we had approx. 5 hours to sell, sell, SELL!!!  We shared the tent with the logoed clothing and paraphernalia and somehow I was entrusted with Dana's cell phone so I could process credit cards!  Besides being a very cool piece of technology - I thought I was hot stuff... kind of typical of me!

I wore my yellow 'Yes they're fake.  My real ones tried to kill me.' t-shirt that my Workshop girls gave me right before surgery.  It gets lots of attention whenever I wear it! It also demonstrates the sense of humor you need to get through the tougher times. It garnered so much attention that there is talk of adding this to clothing line for fund raising!

The co-chairs of the event presented to the crowd all the impressive details - money made, thanked players involved, thanked volunteers for their contribution.  All the things that should happen at an event like this.

It was Mary who began to read the list of survivors... and somewhere in the middle was me... Mary Sylvester Ritter.  The phrase shot through me like an arrow. I instantly felt alone but in shock.  Reality can come smack you in the face sometimes and this was one of those times.  That was me - survivor.  It's still so hard for me to comprehend what I've been through in 9 months.  I feel so physically good it's easy for me to forget what my body was like from Dec until May.  It's easy to forget how unsure I was of the outcome when presented with a diagnosis in November.  The thoughts and  fears that consumed me all seem so far away ....

But here I was - standing amidst these wonderful women for the 'Survivor Picture'.  That's right, for a few minutes I was known as a survivor.  The rest of the time, I preferred to be known as Mary, the chick with the cool t-shirt working the Raffle Tent.

All in all, I had a blast!  Time flew by with the ladies under the tent.  I saw old friends, made new and confirmed what I knew already - the people in my life are a courageous, caring, giving, selfless bunch.  I found myself counting my blessings more than remembering what I lost. 

Feeling it

Been a little more tired than usual lately.  The radiologist warned me the fatigue might hit me later on - even as much as a year later.  It doesn't quite feel the same as it did during chemotherapy when my muscles would just stop functioning.  This is more like an overwhelming urge to close my eyes and sleep. 

Long before I had breast cancer and any of the side effects of the drugs I was taking, I would run myself into the ground.  Burning the candle at both ends some might say.  Late nights, early mornings, work hard, play hard.  I could do it for quite a long period of time and then my body would just be too exhausted to move.  I could lay in bed and literally feel my body buzzing.  From head to toe a sense of my skin quivering.  After a few days of rest, that would go away.

These past few weeks, I've felt that sensation each day and night if I sat still long enough to acknowledge it.  I've been ignoring it and just keeping my usual pace.  But I think its catching up to me.  Last night at the studio, I had an issue in the middle of the 'workout' phase of my Workshop class that startled me.  I just couldn't seem to catch my breath which is totally unlike me.  This was soon followed by a wave of nausea and dizziness.  It happened to me once before within the past month while I was down at the track for a run.  Time to monitor it more closely.  I just have to be more aware of when I'm overdoing it and take it easy if I need to.  It's just different than the fatigue I experienced last time.

Made a visit to the dermatologist yesterday for my annual checkup.  I was anxious to see him so he could evaluate the burn the radiation had made in and around my armpit.  He was happy to report that it looked like the skin was not damaged at all with no other pre-cancerous areas on the skin of the rest of my body.  He even commented on how the chemotherapy could aid in killing them off, if their are any, and the Tamoxifen that I continue to take will do the same. 

At least that feels like a good side effect to the chemo - - Bonus!

1st Haircut!

Things were getting out of hand on the top of my head.  We have a wedding this weekend and I just wanted to clean up what I had going on up there.

Besides being easy, I'm kind of enjoying the short do.  It's an interesting color and the way it frames my face isn't so bad.

I called Kim and she was able to see me right away.  She trimmed around my ears and the base of my neck, just  evened everything out ... and she got rid of the rest of the fuzz I've been sporting on my cheeks!  Marina and Ty colored and read books to me while I had my hair cut.  I found the ease of sitting in her chair while she cut and we chatted about dance and Disney to be extremely refreshing.

Afterward, I had lunch with a close friend of mine.  Sometimes, just sitting and talking even about simple, silly stuff can make the difference in your day. 

Thanks ladies.

BwayFans Take Manhattan!!!

Traditional Train Picture!!!

I'm still recovering from this!  What a day we had...

I organized the second trip of the year for Workshop this week.  In recent years, the second show would usually be the one we were using pieces from for recital - Shrek (Freak Flag), Wicked (well, most all of Wicked!).  Anyway, this year we are using music from Wonderland but, sadly, that show closed within a month of opening!

My usual group size is 20 or so.  This time I didn't get the participation from the girls as I expected but we adjusted and went anyway.  It ended up with 6 of us - Juliane, Taylor, Sara, Lauren, Jackie and I.  Since I had such a small group, we could move around the city a lot easier and faster.  We could eat where ever we wanted with out having to worry about group seating.  I also planned to go to Broadway Dance Center (BDC) so the girls could take a class or 2 there before we went to the show.

The show - it was a pretty easy choice considering who was in the group with me!  Juliane is absolutely obsessed with Sutton Foster.... so Anything Goes it was.  It's a big splashy musical with great music and dance and a giant tap number to close Act I that I'd seen on the Tony's already - I knew we'd all enjoy it.

The dilemma was going to BDC to dance beforehand.  It was their choice to go to the BDC and they seemed excited about it when I first mentioned it.  We've done workshops in the city before seeing shows at other times.  While they were always fun and exciting, the girls didn't like feeling so hot and sweaty afterward.  Getting dressed and sitting through a show at that point was uncomfortable.

It was Tuesday - our last class before we traveled and I printed the BDC and train schedule so we could make some decisions that night.  I also noticed there was rain in the forecast, so an umbrella was a must.  After our regular class, we sat down and talked about the schedules and somewhere in the middle of it, someone brings up seeing a second show instead of dancing... maybe it was me... I don't remember!  It was intriguing to me because I've never seen 2 shows in one day - movies, yes, Broadway shows, never!  So, I scurried home and connected to the computer as quickly as I could to research if we could get to another show the next afternoon.

Nothing of interest came up in the Off-Broadway search.  I went that route to find something different and interesting.  We needed a matinee and there aren't a lot of Wed matinees Off Broadway.  I was entirely too tired to continue to search... so I gave up and went to bed.  Before I did though, I chatted to Juliane to make the decision that no matter what we'd see a 2nd show so the girls wouldn't have to pack dance clothes if they weren't going to use them.  With no show decision that night, I figured I'd stand on the TKTS line to see what I could get.

I went into the office early to get through my emails and set appointments for the balance of the week. I did a quick search in between and found what I was looking for.  I was so excited and tweeted 'surprise' to get some of them thinking.

Taylor was my first pickup at Ketchum - right after her Driver's Ed class.  Next, to Sara, then JP and LP and finally we mashed Jacklyn into the back seat for the short trip to the train.  Once on the train, I played a little 20 questions to get them to guess what we were seeing first.  It took them longer than I thought it would to figure out the show was.... Sister Act!  It also had one of it's big numbers on the Tony's and I wasn't overly thrilled about it there but the price was right and we were open to anything.

The rest of the train ride consisted of laughing, talking, photos.... just enjoying each other's company.  It continued when we shared a quick bite to eat on a bench in Grand Central before going up into the big city.  

I was just so happy to be there with this group.  Our adventure began walking through the diamond district and ogling the beautiful jewelry.  We were so flexible and carefree - we could have walked and done anything and it would have been ok.  But once we hit Time Square, we had to head up town straight to the theatre. 

Sister Act turned out to be a fantastic choice!  My surprise really surprised all of us - it was so hysterically funny with catchy music and clever lyrics that when intermission came we all looked at each other in total shock!!! We really loved this show WAY more than we expected to and the second act didn't disappoint.  There was even a touching scene when all the sisters stood to take the bullet for Dolores.  Believe it or not, I could relate to the sentiment and knew the other girls could feel it too.  We had a new bond that day - we've always been 'dance' sisters but .... read between the lines....

Show one done. It has started to rain while we were in the theater.  Off to dinner at a nice Italian place on Restaurant Row.  More relaxed talking and sharing and eating and whatever!  Just a nice time.  It's now pouring outside and we still have an hour to kill so we make our way to Forever 21 by request.  Sara is all about the shopping and comes away finding something she likes!!!

Show two - Anything Goes.  I know we could not get there early enough for Juliane so we head over as soon as we can.  There is a covered walkthru next to the theater and we camp out there until the doors open just taking pictures of flamingos, foreheads, what have you! 

The doors are finally open and we get to our balcony seats - they weren't too bad really.  We are so accustomed to the environment and enjoy just looking at the logo in anticipation of the start of the show.  Have I mentioned the Sutton obsession that Juliane has?  Let's just say, she did not budge from her seat for fear she miss any moment of seeing her!  She was very cute... a big BIG fan!

This show did not disappoint - big, splashy musical as I anticipated!  Unique staging, dancing top notch, funny bits from much of the cast but especially Joel Grey, great orchestrated score - overall a fantastic rendition of the classic musical. And Sutton was wonderful as expected!!

As we sat on the train home, the events of the day rushed over me.  I smiled over how well we all traveled together and how much we enjoyed each other's company.  How easy it was for us to adapt to the changes of the day - sun, rain, show, 2 shows, no dance.  It didn't seem to matter.  Content is a good word for it. Truthfully, I was exhausted but loved what I was hearing all around me as I shut my eyes to try to rest for my long ride home.  We recounted the funny parts - Gelato, FM boots, no UW, Taylor's attractive forehead, so much more.  These are the moments that make life so special.   I'm just so glad to be here to experience it.

I know they all had a great day... if they only knew how much it really meant to me.

DELETE

One of my least favorite words in the dictionary and yet I use it myself and see and hear it from others every day.

de·lete/diˈlēt/

Verb: Remove or obliterate (text), esp. by drawing a line through it or marking it with a delete sign: "the passage was deleted".

Noun: A command or key on a computer that erases text. 

How easy is it these days to just press a delete key to wipe out a mistake on the computer.  You sat down to write an email or draft a document and somewhere in between your fingers and the keyboard something happened - a mistake or an error of some sort.  If you are a regular computer user, you are quick to reach for the delete key - GONE!  You don't have to be a master typist any more like the days of sitting at a typewriter in High School. You just have to be someone quick to fix their mistakes in this fast paced computer driven world.

Fixing a mistake is the most common, simple one.  Its when entire thought processes are wiped out with a single keystroke that seems to be so unfair.  The keystroke that's initiated by you is a purposeful act and one you control. Is it necessary to expunge entire passages without even saving a hint of them?  Ideas lost forever.

Commonly, I've typed (and have heard the same from other people) and have forgotten to save my work in progress.  At some point, something happens to the computer - it reboots, crashes, what have you and it's gone.  This situation is totally not of your doing and you are panic stricken.  All the valuable thoughts and phrases you used are lost and the feeling of helplessness to find the appropriate words once again is overwhelming.

I'm not a writer.  I like to write but I don't consider myself particularly good at it.  In our business, First Direct, I can write emails that garner some praise once in a while.  I'm far from the marketing side of the business - that's ALL Bob!! But I can proof read and correct grammar as good as the next guy thanks to Mrs. Mignault at SJS!  These days, my writing is generally of a technical nature or, my favorite, telling an ornery Customer to take a hike!  Very, very satisfying!!

But, either way, if it's an email or document of significant importance to me, good or bad, its saved.  Sometimes its saved several times in several places!  Easily accessible if I need to refer to it again.  I'll even hold on to iterations of the same doc or small snipits of thoughts that I've cut and pasted along the way and may someday be useful for something else.

So here I am now writing in this blog for the last 9 months.  I've written 120 posts - some of them good, some not so good, some happy, some sad and some downright embarrassing!  But never once have I deleted any.

At this point, I now feel very obligated to my readers and to myself.  I've started down the path of recording my medical activity, thought processes and emotional states and intend to continue.  My blog has been referred to others who find themselves in the same situation as me with the hopes they can relate to some small part of it.  If it can help them find solice and hope or even understanding then how could I EVER delete the entire blog or even just a previous post?  I may take a break from updating or adding to it, but I won't delete from it.

  

I go back and read and re-read my own blog often.  It helps recount all the events and feelings I went through at the time and is a good reminder of how different these months since I started were for me.  I'm just sorry it took cancer for me to start recording my days.

It's way too easy.  Press delete and it's gone with the wind.  Erasing parts of my life that I may never remember clearly on my own.  With the help of my blog, I'm able to recall details that I just normally couldn't.  And I'll keep writing.  Even if it's only for me.